Two friends who are also my spiritual teachers

When I was twelve-year-old, I hungered for friends who truly understood and saw the “real” me. Sometimes, our deepest wishes are not granted till later. Now, I have dozen or so close, wonderful and caring friends, all of whom I treasure and learn from each of them as my spiritual teachers. But two stand out…consistently inspiring me to be a better person, be more open-hearted, and be more forgiving – not by what they say, but by the way they move through their worlds. They quietly give love to others while being fully engaged in life, in demanding roles. One is a non-profit leader while the other is a holistic doctor. And like two other personal heroes of mine (Lincoln and Obama), neither of them is mean or vindictive.

Rather than disclose their names here, I will just refer to them as “L” and “M.” Here are a few of the spiritual lessons that they have picked up from them.

* They see the best in people, focusing on, as the Buddha taught, everyone’s basic goodness. While these two friends are fully cognizant of others’ dramas and delusions, they don’t focus on this “stuff” or identify people with their fears. They see beyond it, to the real person, his or her essence. Very rarely do they gossip and laugh at others, in order to aggrandize themselves. Instead, they give people lots of space, grace and understanding. And both of them say what their truth is with me -- with responsibility, precision, and compassion -- particularly when we have one of life’s inevitable misunderstandings or difficulties. They inspire me, especially since I can be a “hot head” who can dwell on other’s faults and defects when I feel wronged or attacked.

* They are forgiving. Both of these men know that a big part of happiness is forgiving others. (They also aren’t afraid to take responsibility for their mistakes, apologize and ask others to forgive them.) For example, when M and his long-time wealthy partner split up, M did not sue his partner who spitefully blocked access to some promised assets. It took some time, but M eventually let it go…even though it involved giving up a good deal of money. Also, I’ve been inspired by L as he continues to shower his love on his initially cautious and self-protective boyfriend, who has been gradually transformed by this into a relaxed and loving husband. (I was a best man at their wedding.) L kept seeing beyond the fears of his partner to the point where he gave into L’s love. Forgiveness, too, is something that I am learning to do better, thanks to these men.

* They are accepting, not controlling. My two friends seem to innately know that there is no thing or no person that need to “get” or control. They say their truth and do their best, and let go of the rest. Generally, they don’t use third party information to control or manipulate others (i.e. “he or she said this about you...). While they aren’t critical of others, they do draw appropriate boundaries, taking care of their own needs and respecting the independence of others. Recently, L had to express his anger and disappointment with his realtor when this individual offered the same property to another person, after L’s initial interest. L dealt with it, cleanly and quickly, with a minimum of drama and fuss.

This is not to deify my two friends because they are fleshy human beings, just like you and me -- with their own unique challenges, ego habits, and moments of suffering. When difficult emotions arise, L & M tend to “lean in” to them, examine them and press their internal “pause” buttons before acting out. They do this because they have a deep understanding that we humans are all interconnected, with the same basic impulses, not separate beings who are either good or evil.

All this takes practice. They have gotten to these advanced spiritual states by years of consistent effort, not through miracle shortcuts or a special weekend retreat. They embody the spirit of openness and flexibility that helps them rise above the ordinary din of ego-thoughts, envy, and fear. Not perfectly, but with heart, humility and grace. I give thanks for them as my teachers and my friends, and to everyone else in my life. In the end, the twelve-year-old boy inside me got exactly what he wanted, and more.