My love of fast cars

Since I was 10 years old, I have love fast cars, reading my monthly car magazines, attending autoshows, and going to race car driving school. I never thought I would be lusting after a Cadillac, but that is what I am feeling now, having read several articles on the new CTS-V. This Audi A4-sized sports sedan delivers over 550 horsepower from its supercharged V-8 engine and has road manners to match. And includes crisp, chiseled, muscular styling, to boot. Recently, at an event sponsored by GM, this small Caddy was driven balls-out on a private race course where it bested its BMW rivals (the M3 and M5) as well as a high-performance Jaguar. This goes to show how far American cars have come in this last decade. Nice.

And, yes, I know I am a rather odd gay man, who likes a highly eclectic mix of sports, Project Runway, spirituality, progressive politics, Royal family gossip and fast cars.

Doing the good work of understanding another

Without the fanfare of cable networks and the press around them, Harvard Professor Henry Louis Gates and Cambridge Police Sergeant James Crowley reportedly got together again at a pub in Cambridge, MA, to continue the dialogue started they started with the President. I admire them for continuing this, looking beyond their own experiences and biases to find common ground and to better understand one another. This is the true path of enlightenment and compassion. With a deep bow to them.

Excellent Zen teaching on sexuality and more

The teaching below is from the book, "Being Upright", by Reb Anderson Roshi, a Soto Zen priest at Green Gulch Farm, in Muir Beach, CA. I study in this lineage, with my Zen teacher, Fu Schroeder, as one of Reb's students.

The world of sex is sitting upright, too. Whenever you do anything with such complete warmth and devotion, it is the same. Creating a work of art, cooking a meal, or cleaning house: any action of body, speech, or mind, when done in this spirit of complete devotion, without imagining anything else, and without slightest separation between yourself and the task, is the same. This is immaculate sexuality.

Amen!

Appealing to the better impulses of Maine voters

Ad-by-ad, conversation-by-conversation, step-by-step, we are winning the struggle for equality. Look at the latest ad from the pro-gay marriage forces in Maine. It makes me proud to be part of this movement.

And you can volunteer from your home or anywhere, which I plan to do on Saturday.



"Born to Run": a big impact with its low impact way

Last night, I received a recent New York Times article from my friend, Richard, about the science claims supporting the best-selling and critically-acclaimed book, "Born to Run." Everywhere I bump into running and triathlete friends, people are talking about trying out some of the ideas from the book, including running in more basic shoes, including sandals. Author, Chris McDougall has tapped into the contemporary running zeitgeist: people are tired of dealing with multiple injuries while spending hundreds of dollars for running shoes each year. Mr. McDougall adopted the running style of the Tarahumara Indians of Mexico, which includes short and smooth strides, landing lightly on forefoot (rather balls of the foot), relaxing your legs and kicking your heals back on each step; the proof is in the pudding, with this big guy running injury-free for three years now.

Maybe more important to me, from this book, are the two psychological secrets of Tarahumara when it is comes to running: the absolute joy of the running experience (as opposed to the grimaces you see on many US joggers) and compassion for their fellow runners (yes, love does work!) I suspect that these two traits don't just apply to running, but to all aspects of life. I intend to practice joy and compassion throughout my work today. And exercise in the same way.

Let's care for families, not insurance companies

Over the last eight years, I have given Sen. Lieberman every benefit of the doubt when it came to his policies that I disagreed with him on. However, on Tuesday, I finally had enough, when he said he would participate in a Republican filibuster of any health care reform that includes a public option. This guy doesn't care about America and the health of its citizens; he is more interested in protecting his contributions from health care and insurance companies.

The Huffington Post ran an interesting piece on the 15 mistakes he has made on key legislation.

This is the last straw. I emailed and called his office today, and I will do anything I can to defeat him if he votes against health care reform. Connecticut and America deserve a visionary Senator, not a craven politician.

Not OK to hate gays anymore: Obama signs bill

Today, we advanced as a country and as human beings. Despite stiff opposition from the party of "No", the GOP (35 Republican Senators voted against it), President Obama signed into law a major expansion of the Hate Crimes act, to protect some of the most vulnerable and marginalized members in our society, LGBT people. Matthew Shepard's parents were on hand to witness this historic event. This new law goes to the heart of the promise of this country, "with liberty and justice" for all. It was a good day for America.

The joy of...

...creating, sharing, and loving! A senior couple walked into the lobby of the Mayo Clinic and spotted a piano. They've been married for 62 years and he'll be 90 this year. Watch what happens.



Thanks to Phil, for sending me this video link.

Humor wins the gay marriage debate

Never underestimate the power of humor (and intelligence) over fear. Click here to watch the video of Colbert taking on gay marriage opponents.

Bragging for a minute...about my brother's husband (my brother-in-law), a fine artist, Patrick Lee

Many of you know that I have a gay brother, who is married (in the Republic of California, at least) to another man, Patrick Lee. Andrew Sullivan included a post about Patrick's work in his Daily Dish blog.

A very very long-time struggling artist, Patrick does large scale highly-detailed drawings in graphite. Each one takes 5-7 weeks to complete. And for the last few years, he has been drawing hyper-masculine images rendered in (and juxtaposed against) his beautiful, highly-realistic style. Several major museums are starting to collect his work, in addition to private collectors. I am so proud of the love, persistence and talent of my brother-in-law.

More on integrity, from one of my spiritual brothers

The best definition I ever heard of integrity was one I heard the first day in Rehab.

A woman got up who was a Presbyterian minister.  

She said, "Let me tell you what we are going to do for you here.  We are going to give you your integrity back."

I remember thinking, "I don't need that.  I've got integrity."

Then she said, "Integrity means having your insides and your outsides match."

I wrote down on my pad:  "I've got a problem.  I'm a lawyer."

I realized that I had been trained in a profession which had taught me for over 20 years to never have my insides and outsides match.  I could not say to a judge, "You're an idiot," or to an allegedly injured worker who was not telling the truth, "You're lying."

I went to meet with the woman and told her I had a problem.

When I told her I was a lawyer, she said, "You really do."

I asked her what I should do.  She told me she did not know the answer.  If she did, she would tell me.  But she told me that, until I found the answer, I would never be happy.

I spent several weeks thinking about it.  And then, one day I thought, "What if I just told the truth?"

And, when I came back from Rehab, I started telling the truth.  About everything.

I told the truth about my law firm (and got fired) but that led me to start my own firm, which I love.

I told the truth about what had happened to me leading to Rehab, and that started lawyers coming to me and telling their stories.

I told the truth to my family when they were making me crazy.  That brought a closeness and honesty we had never had before and my father sharing stories that not even my mother knew, and him sharing them with tears streaming down his face (this, from a man who does not cry).

And I told the truth to everyone on my Team.  That has led to their telling the Truth to me and, as you know, becoming incredibly bonded.  It has given me a phenomenal Team, and phenomenal people helping me with the Team.

And, I told the truth to my clients.  That led to some falling away (WalMart) but many, many others coming onboard saying, "It's so nice to finally hear someone tell the truth."

And, in April of this Year, for the first time, it led me to be able to say something from the heart.

I told a group of doctors the following:

"You've probably already figured out that I'm pretty unusual--a gay workers' compensation lawyer who went to Rehab.  (And then I made a joke)  But, we're a dime a dozen.

But I'm more unusual than that.  I'm something you've probably never seen before.

I'm a happy lawyer.

And how many times have you ever seen that?

I'm a happy lawyer because I do what I love, with people that I love, and only for people that I love."

But the real reason I'm a happy lawyer is because that woman in Rehab taught me the secret of integrity--getting your insides and outsides to match.

And she was right, from that came happiness.

from an email by Phil Walker

The definition of integrity

I had a very important conversation with my friend Jim, today, where we talked about the importance of living with integrity and a personal matter that I need to clean up. If you look up this word on dictionary.com, there are several definitions offered, but one is my clear favorite:

in·teg·ri·ty (ĭn-těg'rĭ-tē) n. The quality or condition of being whole or undivided; completeness.

Yeah, most powerful to me is this idea of being whole, not deceiving and splintering myself with self-deceptions or falsehoods. The intention is to see myself and actions for what they really are, with directness and honesty, and make corrections when needed. While not perfect, I aspire to live with integrity. Not because I want to be a good boy, but rather I want to live a full and complete life...without unnecessary suffering for me or others.

Speaking of integrity, watch this video interview of one of Ireland's most loved athletes, Donal Óg Cusack, a hurling goalkeeper, coming out publicly. In the U.S., this would be the equivalent of Derek Jeter coming out (not that I am insinuating that he is gay).

Photographer finds lost images of Belmont Rocks and I remember my lost youth

Twenty-five years ago, in 1984, at the age of 24, I was spending the summer in Chicago, working for a big advertising agency between my first and second years of business school. So I had smile today when I came across this Chicago public radio blog post about a photographer who had forgotten about these images, from 1984-85, shot at the Belmont Rocks, very close to my summer apartment. The images are very beautiful and poignant (I love this one above)...showing that deep human desire for community, connection and sex. I can almost feel the humid Chicago air, smell the suntan lotion, and hear Duran Duran's "Rio" wafting over the lake. Oh, the memories of youth.

(Addendum: I posted this last night and, surprisingly for me, went to bed with tears running down my cheeks because the photos and photographer's narration brought up all the excitement, confusion, hope, dreams, insecurities, and yearnings of being very young, 24 years old, and "out" that summer in Chicago. Generally, I am not very nostalgic and prefer the present moment, but last night something was triggered -- maybe it was realizing that was 25 years ago, thinking about my life and friends back then, knowing I will be turning 50 in 6 months. Whatever the reason, I bow to that special time and place.)

The case for coming out of the closet...

My extended family

Another night out and another Thai dinner: tonight, I had dinner with Jason's mom, Den, and her partner, and what a relaxing, good time we had! Den and I have gone through so much together over the fourteen years since we first met and began this unusual family arrangement (with me playing a mentor to her son), including new partners and break-ups, problems at school, new jobs and ventures, health issues, big disappointments, triumphs of all sorts, and deaths of family and friends. This evening, we traded notes on Jason's progress at college and remarked on how well he is doing. And just to think, a year ago, how anxious we both were about Jason finding the right college and financing his education. That seems ages ago and I am so grateful to see Jason happy as well as have my personal life back, after spearheading his college application process for 11 months.

Since everything changes, we honored this moment in our lives, made a toast to Jason's success, and acknowledged our long-standing family ties...while eating generous helpings of thai chicken red curry.:)

Kids know us...there is no place (or reason) to hide

Last night I was having dinner with a friend, who is getting to know my mentoree/"little brother", Jason. They recently got together without me and in the course of the conversation, Jason joked about how I inherited some of the shadow aspects of both of my parents: my mom's well-intentioned but sometimes controlling nature (for example, she never lets anyone cook in her kitchen) and my dad's relentless drive that can escalate into searing competitiveness (warning: don't go bike riding with this 74-year-old man...he will run you into the ground). I smiled when I heard this because I appreciated Jason's powers of perception and my lack of defensiveness. I laughed and said to my friend, that sounds about right. Of course, everyone has a shadow side and I went on to talk about my parents -- especially their tremendous strengths including vast amounts of unconditional love, creativity and optimism -- as well as my own journey in being honest with myself about my shortcomings and learning to more skillfully accept and work with them.

In raising or being with kids, they really get to see us -- the good, bad, and the ugly -- and accept us, completing the circle of love. Yup, Jason knows my "stuff" and loves me anyway. That's real intimacy.

Love, Spanish-American style: two friends marry

I have seen few couples that love each other like these friends do. A Spaniard and an American, and the emotional bond between them is palpable. They are terrific partners who have a real ease in being with each other, despite the inevitable interpersonal challenges.

The final chapter of "Born to Run"

Once in a great while, a book totally knocks off my socks and this book, "Born to Run", is one of those. It is the non-fictional story of how a remote tribe of native Mexican Indians, who are fantastic runners, competed against the best ultra-marathoners in the world in one exciting race, and what these vastly different groups had in common and learned from each other. Somewhat surprisingly, enjoying whatever you are doing (in this case, running) and being loving to others turned out to be two critical factors in running well. Sometimes overlooked in this age of science, these qualities of heart can not be underestimated. As someone who ran competitively for over 20 years, I don't want this book to end.

The "Selma" moment for the LGBT community

Last November, despite the victory of Barack Obama, I woke up the day after the election to the grim reality that the majority of California voters had voted in favor in Proposition 8, denying me a fundamental civil right to marry. For me and millions of other queer citizens, especially those under 40 (who are used to greater tolerance than previous generations), the election results were a cold slap in the face...a call to wake up, get more active, and reach out to those who can educated about our cause.

I have not seen this documentary but it supposedly highlights the Mormon money that bankrolled this proposition, which was initiated by the Catholic Church and Evangelical forces. Thirty years from now, I believe people will see this election as our Selma, a turning point for the LGBT community when we created a real grass roots movement to fight for and win our equal rights.



A friend writes about beginner's mind...

Practicing beginner’s mind is a huge way for me to stay more present. Also, a lot more fun and alive

This comment reminds me of an old Suzuki-roshi quote: "In the beginner's mind there are many possibilities; in the expert's mind there are few."

As Jeff says, this is definitely a more fun way to live.

A video reminder about impermanence

This gives new meaning to the cliche, "live each day as if it were your last."

The joy of gving and receiving

Yesterday, I led a dharma talk (a Buddhist phrase for spiritual discussion) at the Gay Buddhist Fellowship, in San Francisco, at their regular Sunday meeting. Over the course of the last two weeks, I had spent a several hours thinking about the topic (which I will discuss in a future post) and framing the discussion, so I felt prepared for and relaxed at yesterday's meeting. More than anything, my intention was to speak from the heart: I told stories that were less theoretical and more based on my own experience and observations. Rather than me talking for the 45 minutes of time allotted, I spoke only for 15 minutes and then facilitated small and large group discussions for the most of the time. I wanted to listen and learn from the group.

The session went well, with everyone participating, having a lot to share and wanting to be seen. In fact, because the group got so spirited during the breakout groups, the sangha leader had to ask everyone to keep their voices down. I had several friends there, so I felt well supported and, afterwords, enjoyed going to lunch with two of them.

In short, this Sunday experience reminds me of the joy of sharing from the heart, listening, learning, and being seen. The power in both the giving and the receiving. Everyone participates and benefits. It is a lot of fun, too.

Beneath the lies we tell ourselves

In my experience, the delusions that the mind concocts, especially about our selves, are endless. This steady stream of self-criticism is somehow meant to keep us honest and safe, at least according to our egos.

I has reminded of this the other night, in a conversation with my good friend Richard. I was telling him about some of the observations about myself, especially some of the places where I get stuck in romantic relationships. When I was done he paused, smiled at me and then he presented a very compelling case on how good at relationships I am, citing my deep connections with family, friends, and boyfriends and partners.

Richard made his point: despite a few opportunities for improvement in your relationships, don’t let this obscure the bigger truth: you are perfect just the way you are. His words reminded me that the spiritual way is to continue to soften the heart towards one's self and focus on the innate goodness or Buddha nature of all beings, including me. We all tell ourselves these lies...this is a practice of noticing this internal phenomenon and remembering the real truth.

Working with that panic feeling

As a child, I once remember waking up in a panic because I had difficulty breathing due to a bad bronchial infection. These scary memories suddenly came racing back to me a few days ago when I jumped into the Pacific, with my fins, mask and snorkel on. Upon hitting the ocean, I took on a gulp of water, with urgent thoughts “Can I breath?” and “Am I safe?” flashing through my reptilian brain. Part of me freaked out.

I am increasingly curious about these feelings of panic – small and large ones, as they arise in everyday situations. Like when I get scared or angry when having a difficult conversation with my boyfriend or a close friend, again feeling that panic instinct and the shutting down of my heart. How can I respond in a less reactive way? Can I find a way to still stay connected to my heart and others?

In looking back about the snorkeling incident, the big lesson for me is how I responded at the time: I watched my panic response and relaxed into the anxiety, letting go of my notions of safety and adjusting to what was really happening to my body, not what my mind was afraid of happening (e.g. not being able to breath and drowning). (This may seem counter intuitive at first, but give it a try.) I adjusted to the sea and breathing through the snorkel, soon diving as deep I could and just having fun. I was at peace until my mind issued its next warning bulletin: “There are a lot of the tiger sharks in Hawaii waters…be careful!” LOL

Having a mind is a necessary but challenging feature of the human experience – providing large doses of safety and suffering. Only in rare moments, like during meditation, loving-making and being in nature, have I been able to turn mine off for a few moments or minutes of quiet. And oh what a feeling it is when that happens!

As a very practical person I do not spend much time grasping for these fleeting periods of enlightenment. Rather, in getting to know my mind, learning its habitual thoughts and responses, I am finding that I have more choices on how I react, especially in loaded interpersonal situations. Relaxing into my point of discomfort seems to be key, allowing me to being more present and skillful with what is actually happening. When I remember to this relaxation approach, I find that I can handle that nasty cramp while riding my bike up a big hill, the anger that arises in debating a gay Republican, or brainstorming a new approach to a sticky business problem. In short, the more I relax into the point of discomfort, and keep my heart open, the better my life seems to get. This is a worthwhile practice.

Maine's pro-gay marriage ad shows true family values

Being a sucker for a Maine accent and the love of a mother for her family, I think this pro-gay marriage commercial, running in Maine, works well on many levels. But most of all, it is rooted in the true family values of unconditional love, rights and responsibilities, acceptance, affection, and respect for all human life. The forces of fear and hate can do whatever they have to, but in the end, love will triumph.


A day of hiking on Kauai with a best bud (photos)

Nick and I have been friends for 22 years (traveling together to Russia, India, Germany, Guatemala and Belize), and Thursday went on a very strenuous 8-mile hike along the incomparable Napali coast...I don't think we have ever seen a more beautiful coastline. Eight miles is normally nothing for us, but this hike to a waterfall included lots of slippery mud, steep inclines and declines, and pathways full of wet rocks and boulders. It took us nearly 6 hours, including lunch on the beach and a dip at the base of the falls. We returned home relaxed, full of red Kauai dirt, and with a big testosterone boost (for our accomplishment). More importantly, we had bonding time together to talk about our lives, loves, dreams and favorite TV shows...we are gay guys, after all. LOL. I love Nick; he's my mensch.

Today's gratitude list and select Kauai photos

Here are a few things that I experienced today that I am grateful for:
1. Setting out under a perfect crescent moon at 5:45AM to drive to the other side of Kauai, to begin a catamaran cruise
2. Snorkeling in the warm Pacific waters with plenty of colorful fish
3. Racing a squad of friendly and curious Spinner dolphins with our catamaran.
4. Eating a delicious Kauai island cookie that includes brown sugar, coconut, macadamia nuts, chocolate chips, and organic everything,
5. Enjoying the epic views of the Napali Coastline (think Jurassic Park)
6. Viewing emails from my friends back home and thinking about them.
7. Reading the well-written and compelling book "Born to Run," about a lost tribe of Mexican Indians who are known for running fast over ultra-long distances.
8. Having dinner with two local gay guys and having one of the most mind-blowing spiritual conversation I have had in a long time.

Some select photos from today:

Scences from our Kauai...so far

Real tourist fare: stunning Kauai landscapes, helicopters, beaches, farmers markets, casual meals, etc...I am in heaven.