My pro-active family

I may sit daily in meditation, but make no mistake, I come from a family of "doers." My parents are in their early 70's but they are always hiking, taking dance classes, playing racquet sports, golfing, and bowling. Last year, my dad, a former all-state athlete in 3 sports and minor league baseball player, rode over 6ooo miles on his bike. My mom is the doyenne of the aerobics, yoga and country western classes in her retirement community. They have their aches and pains, but still dive into life with both feet. My brother who lives in LA (and also happens to be gay) loves his rigorous morning hike with his husband as well. Yoga, biking and weights are my main loves now, while I have ran, swam, played baseball and football in the recent past.

Given that my parents were progressive Democrats and about 10 years younger than JFK and RFK, they adopted the Kennedy ideas about community service, too. My mom helped launch Head Start in our community and was elementary school teacher for 10 years, while my dad served as the head of the PTA. Throughout their years, they have been active in all sorts of civic and business organizations, trying to, in small ways, make this world a better place. My brother has mentored gay youth and is active in the arts community as a supporter, collector and a published art critic. He also writes for several gay publications. Frank started and ran an alternative music club, for over 10 years in LA, where people like Rufus Wainwright got their start.

My parents raised me to take responsibility for my experience of life. If I did not like something, I must work to change it. That has been my mantra. Since coming out, for example, I started counseling program in college for gay students, was the head of the LGBT awareness week in graduate school, created an annual gay adventure trip (i.e. Montana dude ranch, river rafting in CA), worked with gay runaway kids in LA, led a large gay social group, helped LGBT business groups organize nationally, raised money for LGBT candidates, participated in several AIDS rides, spoken to over 200 high school classes on what it is like to be gay, and raised $50K to battle Prop 8. And starting when I was 8-years-old, by handing out Bobby Kennedy pamphlets at my local Safeway, I have been active in political change, working on the Carter, Clinton, Kerry and Obama campaigns in a variety of ways.

This energy seems to flow naturally in our blood. It it how we operate, experience and see the world. Sometimes I laugh at my family, saying to them that my great-grandfather from Spain would be proud of us. He was forced to leave Spain at gunpoint because he kept organizing the coal miners in his country. We like to, as Tim Gunn from Project Runway says, "make it happen."

As he would have wanted it, Ted Kennedy's funeral embraces LGBT community

This article is worth reading. http://bit.ly/1aWsuq

My "little brother" settles into Washington, DC

Jase called me yesterday to tell me all about his college dorm unit and two roommates. He was happy to report that his roommate's mom, as he said "the prototypical wonderful Jewish mother", had bought every kitchen tool known to man, so Jase can now cook anything he wants to in his dorm apartment unit.

He also felt good about being settled in and starting the orientation process. The weather is hot and muggy which is good for a northern California boy to experience what summer is like in most of America. I am feeling better and more adjusted to him being away for good. Also, I went to college in DC, so it feels like life is coming full circle.

I have poured all of myself into this kid. He seems to be finding his own way, setting boundaries while leading with his heart. If I have taught him anything over these 14 years, it is that love is the answer whatever the question. Through my behavior in addition to my words.

"The dream will never die"

I grew up with "Profiles in Courage" on our family's coffee table and a special reverence for the ideals of the Kennedy brothers. To me, the Kennedy brothers' politics came to down a simple but powerful belief: that all men are created equally and every person was a right to a life with opportunity, justice, education, and health. While many Conservatives resist change, the Kennedy brothers have marched forward, doing the people's work and figuratively and literally giving of their lives to these causes. They could have sat back in old Cape Cod, enjoying their wealth and trying to "conserve" it as old rich Republicans of that era often did. Instead, they became "progressives", which means looking forward and making progress for benefit all of mankind. Their personal faults and excesses (womanizing, substance-abuse, high-handedness at times) have been well-documented and are inexcusable. And they were wrong or naive to believe that all of society's problems could be solved by the intervention of government.

Despite this, the heart of their politics was, in the words of Ronald Reagan, "to create a shining city on the hill," full of happy and prosperous citizens. They did not believe in a mean Darwinian world where the vulnerable are losers and merely cast aside. While some politicians used fear and hate to mobilize "Christians" and divide the nation, these brothers looked squarely at its difficult problems and injustices and demonstrated the highest Christian values by trying to improve the lot of every man, including the least of our brothers.

Ted Kennedy embraced the LGBT community and fought tirelessly to improve my life and opportunities as a gay person. He believed in the equality of all people, including LGBT families. He made many mistakes in his life, but he kept getting up and righting himself, doing the work, and thoroughly enjoying family, friends and life. His big laugh revealed his love.

The Kennedy brothers rolled up their sleeves and got things done, helping to make this a more perfect union. They were optimists and dreamers and uniters...quintessential Americans. Their dream shall never die.

I discovered some co-parenting sites tonight

Since there are not many sites matching known sperm donors with women, I am having to look for related sites, including co-parenting ones. Tonight, through Google, I found two co-parenting sites that were helpful to me, especially as a gay known donor.

http://www.co-parentmatch.com This is a UK-based site that lists co-parents as well as known donors, including those in the United States.

http://co-parentsearch.blogspot.com This is the personal blog of a gay man who is looking to co-parent with woman. Nicely edited with lots of helpful information. I had to smile when I came across it, because he is doing something similar to me, but as a potential co-parent. Good for him.

Ted Kennedy RIP, a proud advocate for the LGBT



Jason leaves for college today

It really is beginning to settle in that Jason is going away to college. When he was in Spain all summer, I would say to myself that he will be back. But now he is really leaving the nest and will be faraway for most of the year.

Of course I have known this moment would be coming. But now it is here and I feel some sadness around this, missing having meals with him or hanging out by going to movies or plays. We have done these things literally hundreds of times over the course of fourteen years. I will also miss his youthful energy that tends to revitalize my own spirits and keep me young. Yet in the age of Skype, text messages, and cheap phone calls, he is close and in touch. My mind, not my heart, knows that!

Mostly, I am proud of him, for overcoming many, many challenges during his high school years, staying true to his intuition and interests, and keeping his heart and smile open while some young men his age shutdown and are sullen. In the last two years, he faced his demons, set appropriate boundaries with the adults in his life, and leaned into his fears rather than runaway from them. This is the way of a very young spiritual warrior.

I will end this post by saying I am so glad to see him optimistic, happy, and curious about his future. I reminded when he was six and we were having a meal sitting across from each other, he used to put his feet on top of mine but not say a word about it. Wow. It was his way of saying he cared for me. And, today, I send him off with this same feeling in my heart.

Power of the village

My “little brother”, Jason, is fortunate to have so many caring and giving adults in his life. He is preparing to leave for college this week, and one of my most generous friends just took him on a shopping expedition to J. Crew to buy dress-up clothes which will come in handy in preppy Washington, D.C. On Saturday morning, another friend is picking him up at the airport after his red-eye flight, welcoming him to DC and taking him out for breakfast. Yet another DC friend -- who is originally from Columbia -- will have dinner with him on occasion, practicing Spanish with him. And one last friend and his partner will help Jase, using their extensive network of friends and resources, to get along well in the nation’s capitol. So he has a lot of people rooting and looking out for him.

The same thing happened when Jason was applying to college, with over 30 people helping him as he applied to and interviewed with 12 colleges. Later, this summer, Fonso took Jase completely under his wing in Spain, pushing him to work hard and be his best while supporting his emancipation process from home and mom. These small and large acts of kindness make all the difference in the life of an 18-year-old. The emotional support is probably the thing he needs most of all, as he makes the important transition from home and high school to a more independent life as a college student. I am grateful to everyone who has opened his or her heart to Jase.

This is the spirit of generosity I bring to my intention to become a known donor. I am willing to show up and be helpful in whatever way is appropriate and welcome.

A tribute to Teddy

The passing of Ted Kennedy, a relentless advocate for the rights of LGBT people and children

On Tuesday, we lost "a lion" for our cause, a man who was an early and active supporter of LGBT people everywhere. He understood that our struggle was a continuation of the civil rights movement and the notion that no one is free until all people are free. Moreover, having acted as the mentor for his brothers' fatherless children, he knew the importance of investing in the welfare of children, including expanded medical care, improved educational funding and standards, and wide-scale immigration reform. While he came from one of the most privileged families in America, he worked tirelessly for the poor and middle class causes, all the way until his death. He truly cared about people, including the LGBT and our families.

He accomplished all these great things despite the fact that he was a notorious substance-abuser (alcohol and, reportedly, drugs like cocaine) and womanizer, which he admitted and, later in life, took responsibility for. He paid for his sins through the loss of the Democratic presidential nomination in 1980, the destruction of his first marriage, and intense personal suffering.

Despite these character defects, he became one of the greatest senators in history and an fierce advocate for LGBT families. Listen to him one last time: http://bit.ly/4D47lq and bit.ly/41oNZu He made America a better country. I will miss him.

Its a messy & wonderful world out there

I placed a number of blog posts on sperm donor-related Yahoo groups yesterday and got a taste of the craziness that is out there around fertility issues, moms and sperm donors. WOW! First, I got a unsolicited, hectoring email from a man who questioned my motives for wanting to be a known donor (insinuating -- to make children "gay"), had judgments about my sexual orientation, and asked inappropriate things about my little brother. Jarring. Later, I read several posts by man who railed against AI, claiming that this procedure was an attack on his reproductive rights as a man. Another deluded loon!

However, I did come across some good people. One is a known donor named Trent from Northern California, http://trentdonor.com. This seemingly wholesome, religious, 20-something guy is providing free sperm via AI to several women at once and has been involved in many pregnancies. Moreover, he has highly structured his life to be a regular font of sperm donations:). I find it a bit odd that a young male would devote so much of his time to being a sperm donor, versus partying and dating. But then again, I am sure some people will find it odd that a 40-something gay man would like to be a known donor for a lesbian mom. So I am not judging him or his motives. I have more modest goals, to be a known donor to a child or two and act a steady and loving male presence in the life of child. Yes, it is a big messy world out there with some very good, big-hearted people.

Jason arrives home from Spain today

I can't wait to see him and how he has grown emotionally and physically over the last three months. My long-time mentoree has been working for Alfonso, in the kitchen of his restaurant, in Vigo, Spain, which is on the Northwest coast, right above Portugal. He leaves for college in DC on Saturday. It is a big week for him, and me too.

Increasing awareness, with a good dose of love, is the answer

Last night, I had dinner with Phil, a good friend of mine, and we were laughing at the challenging situations in our life, especially those involving people at work. We both reflected on our own journeys in learning more about how our thoughts and feelings work and the ways our lives have improved as a result. Including letting go of chronic ego thoughts and behaviors that cause us to suffer and spread fear. It was a fun evening, with non-stop sharing and laughing.

I also told Phil that I had just discovered many sperm donor-related Yahoo groups including some specifically for gays and lesbians, which is encouraging to me. However, some of the postings on these sites had some weird sexual requests, like a donor saying that he would only provide sperm via "natural insemination." Meaning = he wants to get laid. Well, that's not my business and I will leave it that.

Overall, every day I am becoming more aware of the many reasons why I want to be a known donor (writing these blog entries helps ) and enjoying the process of discovering supportive organizations and resources. I am doing my best, bringing awareness to this journey and keeping my heart open as much as possible.

The spark to want to become a known donor

A few years ago, I was asked by a close single straight friend of mine to become a known donor for her. I thought about it for a month but declined because I felt, given our closeness, I would end becoming her co-parent in the end. That was more responsibility I could handle at the time, since Jason was going through a very bad time at both home and school, I was busy establishing my new consulting business, and I was in the middle of intense relationship with Byron. Co-incidently, this boyfriend had helped conceive four lovely children, as a known sperm donor, through the unique Rainbow Flag sperm bank in Alameda, which used to match gay known donors with prospective lesbian moms who wanted their kids to have an ongoing relationship with the donor. I didn't do anything more about this at the time, but it got me thinking that I could and would like to become a known donor like Byron...

About a year later, things had calmed down in my life, so I contacted Rainbow Flag, but they weren't taking on new known donors on since the founder was having health problems. He suggested that I contact a pioneering lesbian-owned sperm bank, PRS, in San Francisco, to test my fertility. My tests scores turned to be very good, with high overall count and motility, so I was encouraged. Also, like Byron, I decided I wanted to do this with the right lesbian couple because while wanting me in their child's life, they would have appropriate boundaries as the primary parents, but be completely comfortable with my gayness.

I was remembering all of this last night while having dinner with my female friend, listening to the latest twists and turns in her long fertility journey. She's a lovely person, and I am glad she asked me to be her donor because it awakened in me a long-held desire to become involved in helping to conceive a child. But doing so in a way that is more appropriate for me and my life. I am grateful for that, and am committed to doing my best to put myself out there as a known donor for the right lesbian family.

Which way to go?

Everyone knows how difficult it is for some women to become pregnant. Using IVF or acupuncture, taking the right supplements, undergoing lots of tests, taking hormones, etc. Wow! From listening to my mom friends, there a lot of things to consider and juggle.

I have more empathy for what women go through now, having pursued my dream of being a know sperm donor for just over a year. I have been tested in nearly every conceivable way, some multiple times, including some highly personal ones.:) Life is often funny and unexpected.

Since I've passed all my fertility and health tests with flying colors, I am now putting the word out, in all sorts of ways, about my intention of becoming a known donor for a lesbian or couple. Damn, this whole experience feels more vulnerable than I ever imagined, by posting my name and photos in such a public way and communicating what's in my heart. "What are people going to say or think?," I think to myself. Then I laugh about that. But I do feel "out there" in writing this blog.

Yet, writing seems to calm my anxieties and fears, in addition to getting the word out to beyond my circle of friends. So I am writing this blog, tweeting on a special account in addition to my normal one, and posting on related sites, including with Proud Parenting, TheBump.com, Gay Family Options, and DonorHope.com. If you have any additional suggestions, please let me know. I am open to new ideas. And I am patient, too, because I am operating from my heart, values, and intuition. Putting it out there and letting go...like a real warrior.

The magic of mentoring girls

I love it when my ex's little girls want to rub my beard or tell me that I smell like a man or beg me to push them "hard" on the swing set or tell me that I am silly or ask me to do my special "prince" dance or ask me to read to them or get embarrassed at McDonald's when I order them a "sad meal" or ask to ride on my shoulders, etc.

These are special moments that make me smile, off-setting the tantrums, bad moods, and more tedious tasks of child-rearing.

I am came across this picture today, from 2 years ago, and it reminds me of the magic of little girls.:)

Galicia: the Celtic part of Spain from which my family hails...

Most people think of Spain as a sunny, arid country. That's only part of the story, because in the northwest corner of this Iberian peninisula, right above Portugal, is Galicia. In this rainy and green place, a visitor would think they are in Ireland or Brittany. Indeed, the Celtic people of this region are related to both of these places, and also descend those warring and nomadic Visigoths, rather than the darker Moors of southern Spain. This is where my grandfather emigrated from during the 1920's, thankfully, about 15 years before the Spanish Civil War commenced. Check out this picture of my boyfriend, from a few years back, when he used to dance with a native Celtic troupe. (I am not sure if his dance partner is wearing a hat or a potted plant.:))

The natives of Galicia are called "gallegos" and are famous for their friendliness, industriousness, long grudges, thrift, stubbornness, and beliefs in all sorts of witchcraft and trickery. I mention this because my family still possesses many of the characteristics, including an interest in spirituality. And on a bad day, you might call one of us cheap, brooding or stubborn. I am sure my grandfather is tickled by the idea that my boyfriend is from Galicia and that my "lil bro" Jase is working in his old country during this summer. Well, my family is proud of Jason for his 60-hour work weeks, summer exploits and all the things he is learning while working for Fonso's family restaurant, including fluency in Spanish and Galician dialect.

I spoke to Jase and Fonso, tonight, after their 12-hour day and they were tired, silly, and full of the devil. Real gallegos. Just like my grandfather. Wherever he is, I am sure he is pleased and as am I. Good night.

Being gentle with ourselves...and the child within

Some people seem to be in denial of their failings while others tend to go the other way, into aggressive self-criticism. One is not better than the other: both stances are the traps of the ego. I grew up with a loud voice of criticism within, probably the emotional inheritance from my great grandfather, who often berated my dad after his parents divorced and he came to live with my great grandparents. My dad did his best to be kind to us, but sometimes his unprocessed stuff spilled out and all over our family. That was ugly.

As an adult, I try to notice any negative self-talk and examine it in a more Buddhist way...not giving it much power but not denying it either. It is a strategy that, for the most part, works for me. So this afternoon, I was genuinely surprised when I came across this long-forgotten photo of me in college. I was touched by my youth, beauty, and innocence, and thought about all the crazy thoughts, insecurities, and criticisms that I leveled at myself back then. How crazy (and human)! Looking back on this picture, I now can see myself more clearly, as a perfectly imperfect young man who was coming out and finding his way in the world. So I laughed at myself when I heard the sharpness self-criticism arising...thinking that these words are as no more true today as they were when I was 21. Glad I can see that now and laugh. As well as love and accept even more, the child within.

The way is not in the sky. The way is in the heart. --Buddha

I love this quote and both of the pictured individuals (my boyfriend and his awesome nephew). Love is not always convenient, pretty or easy to do, but it sure nourishes the heart more than any job, car or house can. I was reminded of this today when adding photos of the people that I love in the right hand column of this blog. So many heartfelt connections and memories.

Friday is gratitude day for me, and I am extremely grateful for all the love in my heart and life. A deep bow to those who love me.

This afternoon, I spoke to a well-informed staffer at Our Family Coalition who had a number of practical suggestions on how to meet lesbian moms who might be interested in a known donor, like myself. I had to laugh when he told I was "a rare breed" because most gay men he comes across want to hire a surrogate, adopt or be co-parent. He encouraged me though and I will follow up on his idea of putting a blog post on proudparenting.com...looks like a good organization for gay parents and prospective ones. Well, my magical mystery adventure continues, putting myself out there as a known sperm donor, to share my genes and my love.

The importance of family & connection

My parents have been together for 51 years now and I have been lucky to witness and benefit from their very successful partnership. While they have enjoyed money, status and nice things, my parents have valued their kids, putting priorities on and energies into my brother and me. It is mutually beneficial relationship, and since they showed us unconditional love since the beginning, it is easy and natural to return that love back to them -- with phone calls every few days, frequent family get-togethers, and lots of little gestures. Frankly, it feels good to hang out with my folks and brother, and do things together, like hiking, playing Rummikub, and going to Yosemite or Spain.

While I don't want to be a co-parent at the stage of my life, I do welcome the opportunity to connected to lesbian family by being a known sperm donor. I feel I can be a good role model for a child while the mom or moms make all the decisions and do the day-to-day parenting. I am respectful of others' boundaries and preferences, and know how to get along with all sorts of people. Maybe most importantly, I was the recipient of lots of love by my parents and extended family, and, as a result, have lots of love to share with the world, and a child. It feels great to do so.

Confronting homophobia in Marin County and benefitting all.

Yesterday afternoon, I met with an administrator from the Marin county school system to talk about my "little brother's" experience with anti-gay harassment in high school. This happened when Jase was a junior in high school, by five or so members of the high school football team. The verbal bullying took place two years ago and lasted about 6 months.

At the time it happened, Jason asked his mom and me to stay out of the situation and let him deal with the boys involved. As difficult as his request was, we agreed to it as long as he was not being physically hurt or strongly emotionally-impacted by it. As I learned by editing one of his college essays, this verbal harassment stopped because he started laughing directly at, instead of fleeing from, these big bullies. (Jase is 6'2" and confident, and no shrinking violet.) Good for him, and we all deal with these situations in different ways.

So yesterday was my chance to talk openly with a school official about the situation since Jason has graduated. I am so happy to say it went well. The administrator was concerned to learn about the situation. Ironically, he told that one of his children had been chronically harassed at (a different) high school so he full of understanding and empathy about Jason's experience. He related that, coincidently, in June, he had a diversity sensitivity organization train the top officials in the schools he supervises. He also said he was going to revisit this situation with the principal of the school to make sure this situation didn't happen again. Lastly, he expressed his apologies and best wishes to Jason.

I feel a better now for having talked with the school district, so other LGBT kids can feel free to be themselves and don't have to face the same thing as Jase did. And this gave me a chance to rectify this wrong at the system level, while still respecting Jason's wishes. This conversation was not just the right thing to do, in some small way, it will benefit all students in the county, for none of us are free until all of us are.

A little encouragement from the Universe

Recently, a twice-ex of mine (a l-o-n-g story) who is a very close friend, took me with him to summer afternoon party full of gay known donors, lesbian moms, about 30 of their kids and a clown :), at the Rainbow Health Service clinic in Alameda, CA, to celebrate all the wonderful children created by the world's first and only sperm bank catering to gays and lesbians. Unfortunately for me, I found out about this service about one year too late, because of the charismatic owner of this service, Leland, is shutting down the sperm bank part of the clinic and will be focusing solely on artificial insemination services going forward.

However, my ex, who had four children through this service, was introducing me around to the moms, hoping that one of them wanted another child and I might become their know donor. I laughed and teased him that he is my donor pimp. While no one was trying to conceive then, so many of these women encouraged me to do this, telling me that they would have loved to have met someone like myself when they were trying to get pregnant. So I gave out my card to several women who thought they might know someone was trying to conceive. No replies yet...but it's all good.

For whatever reason, I tend to be a magnet with kids and at this party I was swarmed as usual. I just had a ball pushing many of the little guys and gals on the swing, playing tag with them, and generally goofing around. My ex had two of his four kids there. (See two of his darling girls above, who are 1/2 sisters, coming from different moms and families.) At the end of the day, I was tuckered out by the young ones but felt so alive, contented, and so encouraged to become a known donor for a lesbian family.

Most of all, I feel like I was given a lot of love as kid, from my parents, grandparents, and other relatives including my swarthy and sometimes rough, Spanish-American uncles who used to squeeze and toss me in the air. I am the heir to all this love and attention, and just want to pass it onto kids and encourage them as they grow up. As I have done with Jason for all these years and as I will continue to do as he grows older.

My "little brother"/mentoree, Jason, leaves for college this fall

Jason leaves for college at the end of August and I am now feeling those age-old bittersweet feelings of letting him go whilw being excited for him as enters this new phase of his life. I will miss hanging out with him and doing cool things together...like watching movies, talking about relationships, and teasing each other. I know he is going to do well at art college in DC, and am sure he will live his life there with both intensity and curiosity.

He is in Spain for the summer, working for my boyfriend at his family's restaurant and learning to do all sorts of kitchen jobs: washing dishes, cooking traditional Spanish dishes, baking desserts, and cleaning up after everyone. Most importantly, he is becoming a confident young man who is finding his way in the world, turbocharging his Spanish language skills, dating a cute and sweet boy named Manuel, and being part of Fonso's family in Vigo, Spain. He arrives back from Spain on Tuesday afternoon. I can't wait to see him. And then let him go again...off to Obamaland.

It feels right to be ramping up my outreach efforts to become a known sperm donor just as I am watching Jason leave for college. This mentorship has been the best thing I have ever done in my very full and exciting life. I am grateful, with a deep bow.

Starting this blog as a way of becoming a known donor...

Here we go!!! A good friend suggested that I blog about my intention of becoming a known donor as a way to chronicle my journey as well as get the word out to the right lesbian or couple. So here I am, at 11:45PM on a Monday night, working on the blog layout, adjusting colors and type, and being generally compulsive (hehe) as I plunge into a new project. This feels like a good and deliberate way of moving ahead on this, and reflects all the preparation I have done over last 18 months (more about this in a future post). This blog is just one of the ways I am publicizing my intentions.

As a guy who has been increasingly interested in the Buddhist path, I want to do my best to become a known donor without getting to attached to a result or particular idea on how all of this is suppose unfold or look. In short, showing and doing my best, enjoying the journey, and staying to true my intention of being a good mentor for a child. I will end here and go to bed, having initiated my first blog post. This is a start.

(This picture is set at a Buddhist temple in Vietnam on a motorcycle trip I did up the coast, from Saigon to Hanoi. One of my favorite experiences in life, riding by rice paddies in flip-flops, shorts, a thin t-shirt and aviator sunglasses on warm and rainy days.)