Coming out: Why I want to be a known donor? What are my dreams for the next quarter century?

Close friends can push us to be better people, and mine are no exception. Yesterday, my friend Richard challenged me to blog about why I really want to be a known donor, especially at this stage of my life. What are the emotional reasons beneath this important decision and my considerable efforts to become one? I resisted his line of questioning at first, but then I realized I was holding back (emotionally) on the readers of this blog because I didn’t want to risk being misunderstood by prospective moms or be quite so vulnerable on the WWW. I realize now that I need push through these fears in order to be truly seen and understood…so here goes:

In six months I will turn 50, completing the 2nd quarter century of my life. I have accomplished much during this time, and more importantly, have become more self-aware, so I am able to show up more fully in my life, give with both hands and be less self-oriented. In short, I better understand who I am, my gifts and shadow side. These twenty-five years have been an “E” ticket, as they say in Disneyland speak, with plenty of highs and some bitter lows. And in looking at the upcoming 3rd quarter of my life, my intention is to realize some of the following heartfelt dreams:

o Deepen the meaningful work I do for a living, with people and organizations who are breaking new ground or doing good or both. Being of use in every way I can be. And in the process, making a good living to fund my daily life, travel, retirement, and things I truly care about. In this area, I want to finish strong, giving my best effort to work, because I love it.

o Marry and live with a man who I LOVE being with. It is easy between us, and we share so much joy and warmth. Someone who shows up consistently, embodies his spiritual practice, and is both kind and courageous. An imperfect man with an open (or opening) heart, an easy smile, and family values. Someone who is excited about partnering with me on my next intention…

o Create a larger extended "family", by fathering and mentoring children as well as connecting with their moms (and partners and families). The additions of these people to my already rich tapestry of relationships – my brother and parents, Jason (my mentoree), friends and business collegues -- would be a dream come true.

I must admit that I hesitate to say all this here because I don’t want my dreams to be parsed or critiqued...they are too personal. On a spiritual level, I know that I have everything I need right now. That I am perfect the way I am now, "with a little room for improvement", as Suzuki-Roshi used to say. Yet, these are the dreams that I am moving towards, step-by-step, while enjoying this present moment just as it is.

Most importantly, I simply enjoy being with kids, full stop. Kids seem to enjoy me, especially my delight in seeing them, my silly and "bart simpson" sides, and my consistency in showing up. All of this comes easy and natural for me. Kids keep me young, vital, and light-hearted, and they, in turn, tend to draw on my masculine energy, love, and deep joy for life. We cheer each other on, witnessing and encouraging one another – through good times and bad. I did this with Jason for fourteen years, and I got the desire, energy, and the balls to do it again. I want to share these kids and their love with my partner, biological family, friends and others, so everyone benefits! The more joy, the better.

I am so blessed to descend from two large, amazing Spanish-American families who have ingenuity, health, curiosity, concern for others, and love in great abundance. I am the heir to these qualities and values, and want to pass on these genes and traits to children, making the world a better place in my own small way. I want to enrich my life and those of others. I want to deepen my ability to love and be loved. These are the dreams and intentions that are straight from the heart of this joe in san francisco.

P.S. It is hard communicate into words everything that I feel so deeply about, but this entry is a start. Maybe a movie that fills in the some of the gaps is "Best of Youth,". To me, this Italian movie is like a long Buddhist story, with many powerful lessons, moments of grace, and compelling characters. And as the main character of the movie says, despite all the suffering, "life is beautiful."