In the last two days I have had the opportunity to tell a close friend that he did something to hurt my feelings. And, in another close relationship, I had to apologize for something I did to undermine that person’s trust. How is that for yin and yang of relating?
Both of these acts required courage as well as vulnerability. Something, a teacher of mine, Joe Weston describes as the building blocks of “respectful confrontation,” a non-violent communication approach that he teaches, especially to gay men and lesbians. (In fact, he’s got upcoming workshop on respectful confrontation in October.) Joe believes there is a way to communicate your feelings, take responsibility for your part of the situation, and make request of another in a connected, respectful way.
These conflicts with my friends were not huge transgressions, but rather the usual messiness that comes from egos, lack of awareness, and miscommunication. Juicy, everyday stuff. I could have swept these two conflicts under the rug, but I decided I would miss out on the chance to be honest and vulnerable. From my experience, I know that honesty and vulnerability are at the heart of true intimacy, and intimacy is what satisfying relationships are all about.
I am very much a student, still practicing and building my respectful confrontation communication skills from day-to-day. Including making plenty of mistakes. But, this may be the greatest lesson I can teach a child: modeling courage, vulnerability, and intimacy, in my own imperfect way.
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