A wise friend writes about his reaction to Ken Mehlman's annoucement that he is gay

Forgiving does not require forgetting.

Never forget, but always forgive.

Feel compassion for his suffering, for you have known the same suffering.

I remember when I looked down on the drag queens because I thought I was better than them, I was a gay man who was going to assimilate and show people gay people were no different from straights, in fact, we were better than they were.   And, my type of gay man was certainly better than those drag queens.  It was not until I realized that it was the drag queens who had the most courage, who stood up for us, and who really lived in truth, that I came to love them because I saw them for what they were--warriors for us and truth.  I was not.  By taking the assimilationist route, I was a coward.  But, no more.  I celebrate them and I celebrate every act of integrity--getting the insides and outsides to match.  Ken Melman has taken the first step towards integrity.  Now, let us help him take all the rest which follow.  Telling the truth must be followed by acting in truth for redemption.  And you are 1000% right.  That means putting your words, your actions, and your treasure in the right place.

Your insides and outsides match, and if we help Ken Melman, his may well too.  That is the opportunity we can give him, and every other of our brothers and sisters.  Remember what Mandela taught in Invictus, if we treat them the way they expect us to, we will never win but only repeat the cycle of hatred.   We must treat them better than they have treated us.  Mandela showed us it works.

Feel anger for the treatment he has given our people.  It makes me feel cold-blooded fury, but I also find in that fury at myself for the way I treated myself for so many years.  And that gives me compassion, for me, for my brothers, and for him.  The anger is appropriate and right.  To not feel it would be to disassociate ourselves.  If he has hurt us this much, imagine how much he has hurt himself.  And for that pain he has caused himself, we can feel compassion for we have known what it feels like to hate ourselves.

Imagine the self-hatred which must be in someone to persecute his own people--those just like him-- to say, "I hate myself so much that I will persecute and attempt to destroy all those like me, and, ultimately, myself."  For if he were to destroy us, he would also destroy himself.  He will not destroy us, but his acts could very well destroy him.  We can only destroy ourselves if we act the way he did.

Feel the anger, understand where it comes from, and then release it.  Holding on to it will only hurt you, not him.  Releasing it will free you.  Forgiving him will empower you.  And in that forgiveness, forgive yourself for every step you may have taken on the journey which was not in the right direction.  You take only right steps now, and you learned from the missteps.  Let us hope, and help, he will too.  I know that I took many missteps, and now I work each day to take steps only in the right direction.

Give him the opportunity to change by telling him how to live in integrity.  That means having his outsides and insides match.

Love means showing him the right way.  You are doing that, and showing everyone else too.

--Phil Walker