Boundaries play an interesting and sometimes complicated role in developing compassion. They are like the stake and wires that are used to help keep young trees rooted and growing straight. Early on in our practice or when we’re faced with difficult, new challenges, a lack of healthy boundaries can lead to our compassion being blown away before it’s had a chance to take root. As we develop, though, boundaries held too tightly can stifle our compassion and keep it from reaching maturity. In the process of developing compassion, we need to become skillful at knowing when to apply boundaries and when to relax or release them.--Lorne Ladner, "Taking a Stand" (Fall 2009)
(A good friend of mine asks me for my interpretation of this lesson, so here is my take: as I have matured as a person, for example, I found that is sometimes more skillful to go within myself before I talk to others about a significant problem or challenge. In these cases, I like to sit for a while with the issue and just observe how my mind responds to the situation. In this way, self compassion for my situation often seems to arise from this process. While, in other situations, I need to let others in, sooner than later, getting their fresh perspective, being vulnerable in sharing the intimate matter, and receiving their compassion. The same dynamics apply when knowing when to give or not give to advice.
Over the course of my life, I have gone through different phases with boundaries. As a kid, I was emotionally repressed and highly boundaried, but not in a good way. Later, in my 20's and 30's, I had a good friend that I reflexively shared nearly everything with...sometimes before taking the time to reflect on the matter myself and allowing for my innate wisdom be manifest. Today, I strive for the middle way, watching my own thinking and emotions for a while AND then reaching out to friends on important concerns.)
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