Showing posts with label parenting. Show all posts
Showing posts with label parenting. Show all posts
7/7/11
10/27/10
"Confronting Life": a story of anger & non-violence
by Aaron Gouveia, a regular contributor to The Good Men Project Magazine
“You’re killing your unborn baby!”
That’s what they yelled at me and my wife on the worst day of our lives. As we entered the women’s health center on an otherwise perfect summer morning in Brookline, two women we had never met decided to pile onto the nightmare we had been living for three weeks. These “Christians” verbally accosted us—judged us—as we steeled ourselves for the horror of making the unimaginable, but necessary, decision to end our pregnancy at 16 weeks.
After extensive testing at a renowned Boston hospital three weeks earlier, we were told our baby had Sirenomelia. Otherwise known as Mermaid Syndrome, it’s a rare (one in every 100,000 pregnancies) congenital deformity in which the legs are fused together. Worse than that, our baby had no bladder or kidneys. Our doctors told us there was zero chance for survival.
♦♦♦
I’m not a religious person and I’ve never believed in heaven or hell. But there is a hell on Earth. Hell is sitting next to the person you love most and listening to her wail hysterically because her heart just broke into a million pieces. Hell is watching her entire body convulse with sobs because she’s being tortured with grief. For as long as I live and no matter how many children we have, I will never forget that sound. And I vowed to do everything in my power to make sure she’d never make it again.
Across a crowded street, two people with “God Is Pro-Life!” signs and pictures of torn-up fetuses managed to drive the blade in even deeper. Again, I was left trying to console the inconsolable, feeling even more helpless this time, because I wasn’t allowed into surgery with her.
Running on pure adrenaline, and without even a hint of a plan, I grabbed my cell phone and crossed the street. I didn’t know what to say or how to say it, I just knew I wanted to make public the cowardice of these protesters.
♦♦♦
I learned a few important things from this encounter. First, these people aren’t used to being confronted. They prey on the weak and they pounce on the wounded. It’s easy to berate people and shame them when they’re too beaten down to fight back. But I chose to do just that, and you can see what happened.
They spout the same tired rhetoric passed out at rallies and subway stations. They don’t have one salient response to any of my questions.
The most telling thing about their cowardice is when the woman on the right gets upset that I’m recording the conversation (which is perfectly legal) and then threatens to call the police. The irony is rich. She wanted to call the police because I was peacefully expressing my opinion on a public sidewalk and exercising my First Amendment rights, which is exactly what she was doing. But I’m not on “God’s side,” am I.
She also claims the women at the clinic are suicide risks. Even if she believed that were true, does she really think yelling at them and shaming them in public is going to encourage these women not to kill themselves?
♦♦♦
After I took a walk and calmed down, it was time to pick up my wife and go home. When we pulled out of the clinic, the protesters were gone, and a police cruiser was parked nearby with the lights flashing. My wife, still groggy from the surgery, managed to crack a little smile, and asked, “What did you do?”
I have no idea if it was my interaction with the protesters that got them to leave. I doubt it was, but my wife was convinced that was the case. At first, I didn’t think of it as a big deal, and I actually felt a little foolish for getting so heated.
My wife, suddenly serious, pointed out a women entering the clinic. Within minutes, she said, that woman would be making a serious choice. Whether she kept her baby or not, it didn’t matter—what matters is that she can make the decision that’s right for her. And she can make it without people screaming at her.
My wife and I wanted our second child. We loved her. We even had a name for her, Alexandra.
You never know the circumstances surrounding this kind of decision. Consider this my plea: stop terrorizing women. Stop adding trauma to their trauma. If you’re able, stand up to these bullies in nonviolent ways. Speak out. And if you have a camera, use it.
“You’re killing your unborn baby!”
That’s what they yelled at me and my wife on the worst day of our lives. As we entered the women’s health center on an otherwise perfect summer morning in Brookline, two women we had never met decided to pile onto the nightmare we had been living for three weeks. These “Christians” verbally accosted us—judged us—as we steeled ourselves for the horror of making the unimaginable, but necessary, decision to end our pregnancy at 16 weeks.
After extensive testing at a renowned Boston hospital three weeks earlier, we were told our baby had Sirenomelia. Otherwise known as Mermaid Syndrome, it’s a rare (one in every 100,000 pregnancies) congenital deformity in which the legs are fused together. Worse than that, our baby had no bladder or kidneys. Our doctors told us there was zero chance for survival.
♦♦♦
I’m not a religious person and I’ve never believed in heaven or hell. But there is a hell on Earth. Hell is sitting next to the person you love most and listening to her wail hysterically because her heart just broke into a million pieces. Hell is watching her entire body convulse with sobs because she’s being tortured with grief. For as long as I live and no matter how many children we have, I will never forget that sound. And I vowed to do everything in my power to make sure she’d never make it again.
Across a crowded street, two people with “God Is Pro-Life!” signs and pictures of torn-up fetuses managed to drive the blade in even deeper. Again, I was left trying to console the inconsolable, feeling even more helpless this time, because I wasn’t allowed into surgery with her.
Running on pure adrenaline, and without even a hint of a plan, I grabbed my cell phone and crossed the street. I didn’t know what to say or how to say it, I just knew I wanted to make public the cowardice of these protesters.
♦♦♦
I learned a few important things from this encounter. First, these people aren’t used to being confronted. They prey on the weak and they pounce on the wounded. It’s easy to berate people and shame them when they’re too beaten down to fight back. But I chose to do just that, and you can see what happened.
They spout the same tired rhetoric passed out at rallies and subway stations. They don’t have one salient response to any of my questions.
The most telling thing about their cowardice is when the woman on the right gets upset that I’m recording the conversation (which is perfectly legal) and then threatens to call the police. The irony is rich. She wanted to call the police because I was peacefully expressing my opinion on a public sidewalk and exercising my First Amendment rights, which is exactly what she was doing. But I’m not on “God’s side,” am I.
She also claims the women at the clinic are suicide risks. Even if she believed that were true, does she really think yelling at them and shaming them in public is going to encourage these women not to kill themselves?
♦♦♦
After I took a walk and calmed down, it was time to pick up my wife and go home. When we pulled out of the clinic, the protesters were gone, and a police cruiser was parked nearby with the lights flashing. My wife, still groggy from the surgery, managed to crack a little smile, and asked, “What did you do?”
I have no idea if it was my interaction with the protesters that got them to leave. I doubt it was, but my wife was convinced that was the case. At first, I didn’t think of it as a big deal, and I actually felt a little foolish for getting so heated.
My wife, suddenly serious, pointed out a women entering the clinic. Within minutes, she said, that woman would be making a serious choice. Whether she kept her baby or not, it didn’t matter—what matters is that she can make the decision that’s right for her. And she can make it without people screaming at her.
My wife and I wanted our second child. We loved her. We even had a name for her, Alexandra.
You never know the circumstances surrounding this kind of decision. Consider this my plea: stop terrorizing women. Stop adding trauma to their trauma. If you’re able, stand up to these bullies in nonviolent ways. Speak out. And if you have a camera, use it.
7/21/10
Details magazine article: "Would you really be okay with a gay kid?" Well, I wasn't at first.
Read this thought-provoking article in Details. It asks a difficult question that I had to face about six years ago, when my long-time mentoree, Jason, "came out" to me. My initial reaction was surprise and, unfortunately, private disappointment. While part of me wanted to protect Jason from the challenges and discrimination that my gay brother and I have faced as a gay men, another unconscious part of me had expectations that Jason would grow up straight, marry, have kids and lead a "normal" life. I realized then that I still suffered from internalized homophobia despite being out and a LGBT advocate for over 20 years.. The weekend after his coming out, Jason and I went out for a great celebratory lunch. I noticed my mixture of emotions, including pride in his authenticity and courage as well as the strong desire to protect Jason from any opportunistic, predatory men. However, over time, I just relaxed and let go, haven't thought about it much since that time.
Now as I am read a psychology book called "The Velvet Rage," which dissects the emotionally-stunting shame that most gay men suffer as they come of age in this straight world, I really want to cry. I realize that until we change our attitudes towards gay people on a deep level and truly celebrate (rather than just tolerate) their sexual orientation, our (gay) children are going to suffer. And we will too.
12/13/09
Today's New York Times discusses the increasing use of donors and surrogates in creating babies
The lead story in today's Times discusses the possibilities and challenges created by the new world of surrogates, donors, and reproductive technologies. It is well worth a read.Read the article
Watch the related video story
10/3/09
“Modern Family” is a new show that I recommend
I can see why some of my friends are talking about this new TV family comedy, which features three inter-related, contemporary American families, including a gay couple with an adopted Vietnamese infant. After watching the first two episodes tonight (via the web), I believe ABC has a hit on its hands, by skillfully interweaving serious themes with lighter, funny moments. For example, in the second episode,"showing up is 90% of parenting" is the big parenting (and life) tip that comes tumbling out of the reluctant step-father. This show features good writing and skilled actors, and should keep getting better and better. And don’t fret if you missed the first two episodes: they are easy to catch on ABC’s website. I predict this show is going to be a hit and, at the same time, going to mainstream the image of two gay men as parents. Watch it.
9/25/09
Very good blog for LGBT parents
Proudparenting.com has attracted a wide following among LGBT parents and it includes blog entries by those who are/aspire to be birth parents, co-parents, foster parents, adopting parents and known donors. Also, there seems to be equal number of women and men on the site, which is more unusual in this age of micro-targeting, offering a broad perspective than norm. The editor of the site, Jeff, makes a number of posts each day, but anyone can make a blog post, too. I have done so 4-5 times in the last two months. Check them out for yourself.
9/21/09
TheBump.com's lively forum for LGBT Parenting
A few months ago I was introduced to this forum,made a few posts there, and have been generally impressed by the dialogue and supportive counsel. And check-out the companion forum, for same-sex households at TheNest.com.
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