Two friends who are also my spiritual teachers

When I was twelve-year-old, I hungered for friends who truly understood and saw the “real” me. Sometimes, our deepest wishes are not granted till later. Now, I have dozen or so close, wonderful and caring friends, all of whom I treasure and learn from each of them as my spiritual teachers. But two stand out…consistently inspiring me to be a better person, be more open-hearted, and be more forgiving – not by what they say, but by the way they move through their worlds. They quietly give love to others while being fully engaged in life, in demanding roles. One is a non-profit leader while the other is a holistic doctor. And like two other personal heroes of mine (Lincoln and Obama), neither of them is mean or vindictive.

Rather than disclose their names here, I will just refer to them as “L” and “M.” Here are a few of the spiritual lessons that they have picked up from them.

* They see the best in people, focusing on, as the Buddha taught, everyone’s basic goodness. While these two friends are fully cognizant of others’ dramas and delusions, they don’t focus on this “stuff” or identify people with their fears. They see beyond it, to the real person, his or her essence. Very rarely do they gossip and laugh at others, in order to aggrandize themselves. Instead, they give people lots of space, grace and understanding. And both of them say what their truth is with me -- with responsibility, precision, and compassion -- particularly when we have one of life’s inevitable misunderstandings or difficulties. They inspire me, especially since I can be a “hot head” who can dwell on other’s faults and defects when I feel wronged or attacked.

* They are forgiving. Both of these men know that a big part of happiness is forgiving others. (They also aren’t afraid to take responsibility for their mistakes, apologize and ask others to forgive them.) For example, when M and his long-time wealthy partner split up, M did not sue his partner who spitefully blocked access to some promised assets. It took some time, but M eventually let it go…even though it involved giving up a good deal of money. Also, I’ve been inspired by L as he continues to shower his love on his initially cautious and self-protective boyfriend, who has been gradually transformed by this into a relaxed and loving husband. (I was a best man at their wedding.) L kept seeing beyond the fears of his partner to the point where he gave into L’s love. Forgiveness, too, is something that I am learning to do better, thanks to these men.

* They are accepting, not controlling. My two friends seem to innately know that there is no thing or no person that need to “get” or control. They say their truth and do their best, and let go of the rest. Generally, they don’t use third party information to control or manipulate others (i.e. “he or she said this about you...). While they aren’t critical of others, they do draw appropriate boundaries, taking care of their own needs and respecting the independence of others. Recently, L had to express his anger and disappointment with his realtor when this individual offered the same property to another person, after L’s initial interest. L dealt with it, cleanly and quickly, with a minimum of drama and fuss.

This is not to deify my two friends because they are fleshy human beings, just like you and me -- with their own unique challenges, ego habits, and moments of suffering. When difficult emotions arise, L & M tend to “lean in” to them, examine them and press their internal “pause” buttons before acting out. They do this because they have a deep understanding that we humans are all interconnected, with the same basic impulses, not separate beings who are either good or evil.

All this takes practice. They have gotten to these advanced spiritual states by years of consistent effort, not through miracle shortcuts or a special weekend retreat. They embody the spirit of openness and flexibility that helps them rise above the ordinary din of ego-thoughts, envy, and fear. Not perfectly, but with heart, humility and grace. I give thanks for them as my teachers and my friends, and to everyone else in my life. In the end, the twelve-year-old boy inside me got exactly what he wanted, and more.

Our hearts yearn to relax into love

This wise lesson by Sylvia Boornstein, a self-described "Jewish mother" of Buddhist teachers, is featured on The Tricycle website today. I especially like this line from it: "We know as we have never known before that we are stuck, all of us, with bodies and minds and instincts and impulses, all in a tug-of-war with our basic heart nature that yearns to relax into love." Oh yes, time to sit back into my Buddhist lounge chair and let more love in!

From www.tricycle.com/blog:
The practice of seeing clearly is what finally moves us toward kindness. Seeing, again and again, the infinite variety of traps we create for seducing the mind into struggle, seeing the endless rounds of meaningless suffering over lusts and aversions (which, although seemingly urgent, are essentially empty), we feel compassion for ourselves. And then, quite naturally, we feel compassion for everyone else. We know as we have never known before that we are stuck, all of us, with bodies and minds and instincts and impulses, all in a tug-of-war with our basic heart nature that yearns to relax into love. Then we surrender. We love. We laugh. We appreciate. For the complete article

Nothing is more important than this

The power of relationships holds our universe together -- literally. Even in this country of "rugged individualism", we need each other, sorry GOP. Some call this idea socialism; I call it love. Read this blog post from DailyGood.org.

The Leader's Work: Reweaving Relationships:
"The scientific search for the basic building blocks of life has revealed a startling fact: there are none. The deeper that physicists peer into the nature of reality, the only thing they find is relationships. Even sub-atomic particles do not exist alone (...) We live in a culture that does not acknowledge this scientific fact. We believe wholeheartedly in the individual and build organizations based on this erroneous idea." In this article, writer and management consultant Margaret Wheatley talks of the role leaders must play in rejecting current beliefs and reweaving crucial relationships...More

P.S. One more point on health care...

Things that work and things that don't!

Health care reform is threatened by forces of greed, selfishness, and fear. It is time to wake up!!!

Please indulge my moment of moral outrage -- What sort of country do we live in when millions, including children, go without regular health care? How can people call themselves "Christians" when they actively rally against universal health care? How can we live in fear of contracting a chronic illness that can bankrupt us? How can spend the highest-per-capita on health care in the world and have some of the lowest outcomes? Why do we trust insurance companies and bureaucrats (who are amoral, private profiteers) but are afraid of government regulators? Why do reward the number of procedures a doctor provides versus the wellness of the patient? How can you play politics with people's lives and health, and sleep well at night? Are we that stupid to put our health in the hands of uncaring corporations?

Our country needs to look deeply at itself and reexamine its values and do what is right, creating an effective and efficient medical system for all its citizens -- not just for its elite, especially the Republican Congressmen who refuse to give the rest of the country the same medical benefits they enjoy at our expense. Where is their MORAL RESPONSIBILITY? THEIR CONSCIENCES? And THEIR SENSE OF COMPASSION? This is the party of corporate interests and the plutocracy, not Abraham Lincoln! He would be absolutely appalled by their short-sightedness, selfishness and greed (and would summarily quit the GOP). And so am I.

An autumn night under the redwoods and moon

With a friend, I spent Saturday night camping under the redwoods to celebrate and enjoy the full moon. I needed a brief respite -- to reconnect with nature, the new autumn season, and the basic rhythms of life. I pitched the tent and arranged the pillows so we slept with our faces bathed in the full, blue moonlight. Throughout the night, the redwood and hardwoods trees around us pelted the tent with seed droppings, twigs and other autumn debris. The night air was thick with forest sounds, including crickets, various birds, and the rush of the wind up the Russian River.

At a certain point, I just let go of everything – all my worries, problems, and unfinished business. Sleeping nearly 10 hours, then waking up and taking a hot outdoor shower, having biscuits and gravy for brunch, and driving back slowly to San Francisco, for a dinner with long-time friends.

I love the autumn season and its deconstructionist nature, taking time to honor the things that don’t fit in my life anymore and gently let them fall away. It is a cozy time for me, a season of reflection, going inward, and moving forward on personal initiatives. While I associate the sun with spring and summer, I think of the moon and long shadows when picturing the fall. And welcome its mostly cool breezes.

“Modern Family” is a new show that I recommend

I can see why some of my friends are talking about this new TV family comedy, which features three inter-related, contemporary American families, including a gay couple with an adopted Vietnamese infant. After watching the first two episodes tonight (via the web), I believe ABC has a hit on its hands, by skillfully interweaving serious themes with lighter, funny moments. For example, in the second episode,"showing up is 90% of parenting" is the big parenting (and life) tip that comes tumbling out of the reluctant step-father. This show features good writing and skilled actors, and should keep getting better and better. And don’t fret if you missed the first two episodes: they are easy to catch on ABC’s website. I predict this show is going to be a hit and, at the same time, going to mainstream the image of two gay men as parents. Watch it.

The spirit of my grandmother lives on through me

Teresa Quintana, my grandmother (on my mother’s side) descended from a long line of Spanish Americans (a nice way of saying Conquistadors), who came to northern New Mexico about 400 years ago and settled near Sante Fe. For many years, she and my grandfather ran a cattle ranch, and after he died, she and my uncle partnered to quadruple the ranch. She knew how to work with people and was one of the sharpest businesspeople I have ever known. I loved and spoiled her, sending her religious gifts and postcards from my worldly travels as well as calling her every couple of weeks. She appreciated all this attention and acknowledged this by telling me that while she loved all her grandchildren equally, she mentioned my name and my brother’s first (before my cousins’) during her nightly prayers. LOL. She was one loving and savvy operator right up to her death, in 2008, at the age of 91.

While I am not religious person, I do find myself talking to my grandmother from time to time, especially about business issues and becoming a known donor, and the challenges that come up. Sometimes, I can almost hear her whispering to me, “Joey, keep going, my m'ijito, just like your grandpa and I used to do. Why not try this or that way? Put yourself out there and God will guide you.”

I still love my grandmother. Here is a brief eulogy I wrote for her memorial service.

“M'ijito”

“M'ijito” (me-HEE-toe)…that’s what my grandma called me, which is a common term of endearment, often used by older Spaniards and Mexicans, that means my little one.

And that’s what she called everyone else, too. For as long as I can remember, the words m'ijita, m'ijitos, m'ijitas flowed from my grandmother’s heart to nearly everyone. Like communion wafers being dispensed during an Easter mass.

Yet I wasn’t jealous of the others because Grandma had enough love for all of us. Her “m'ijito” for me always felt special and personal.

Growing up far away from her ranch in Las Vegas, New Mexico in a world of Anglos, I discovered that some of my friends had grandmothers who were more educated, urbane and fancy. But none of these friends seemed loved any more than me. Nor did they know the pleasure of being served her warm sopapias dripped with honey. And, most certainly, nobody called them m'ijito.

One time, about 15 years ago, on a quick business trip to Dallas, the pilot announced that on the right side on the plane was Las Vegas, New Mexico. So I called Grandma on the airphone and gamely announced that I was in town. “M'ijito!” she exclaimed, “Then you must come and visit me.” We shared a good laugh after I explained that I was 30,000 feet above her.

Since she couldn’t leave her house due to a chronic medical condition, my grandmother was always encouraging all of us to come visit her, because, as everyone knew, she liked to be at the center of things. Nothing made her happier than sitting at the kitchen table, with her house full of people, listening to the stories of her m'ijitos and m'ijitas, absorbing their every word.

She was curious about the world, even though she had seen relatively little of it, living instead through her family’s stories and accomplishments. On one of my visits, with her eyesight failing, she craned her head close to my computer screen, straining to see my pictures of Asia with a magnifying glass, all the while saying, “Oh yes, m'ijito, that’s n-i-c-e.” She really meant it.

My grandma was also a big worrier, concerned about the endless weather and ranch problems, how hard my uncles worked or her relatives who were going through tough times. But when she was finished fretting, she would pause, and brighten and say in her wonderfully fatalistic way, “M'ijito, but what can we do?”

But my grandmother knew exactly what she could do, and every night, she did it: praying for her entire family. Knowing this made me feel braver and safer… having my very kind and willful grandmother advocating on my behalf, during her daily conversation with God. I counted on Grandma’s spiritual support.

So on my last visit with her, less than two weeks ago, I knew Grandma’s time was near when she reversed our usual roles by asking me to say a special prayer for her. Drawing me close, as I was leaving, she said in a whisper, “M'ijito, please pray to our Holy Father and ask him to make some room for me in heaven.” Surprised by her request, I promised I would. I did and he listened. Even though she had no life-threatening illness or disease, two weeks later, she passed in her sleep. So characteristically, she died on her terms and timing.

Yes, I am going to miss my Teresa Quintana. She was such a caring and dynamic force, our beloved family matriarch. But I am glad that she finally is at peace. And grateful, so grateful to have been deeply touched by her love and to have been her m'ijito.

-- May 2008

This Maine veteran, grandfather & community organizer reminds us what this battle for equality is all about

Watch and listen to this extraordinary ordinary American.

Helping a child feel more grounded and loved

A few days ago, I came across this article in an UK-based newspaper about the emotional challenges that some of the off-spring from anonymous (sperm and egg) donors feel as they grow up. I can empathize with their feelings, even though in the case of my own mentoree/"little brother", Jason, who was conceived via an anonymous sperm donor, did not know his "bio-dad", as he calls him. I've asked Jase about this through the years, and he has repeatedly told me that he had little interest in meeting this man because he has "so many people and so much love in his life already". But I think there is part of him that is curious about what his father looks like, how he behaves, and who makes up this side of his heritage. Jase has this option open to him now, because at 18, he has the chance to contact his biological father because he was an open donor.

As I move forward to ahead to become a known sperm donor and mentor, I would like to help bring a child into this world and help him or her feel more grounded and loved -- by knowing me, by knowing some stories about my colorful and gutsy ancestors from Spain, and by knowing about my wonderful immediate family, including my brother, mom, dad, and Jason -- all creative and big-hearted people. I feel I can play a unique supporting role in a child's life while his or her moms make all the decisions and do the child-rearing. Just like my experience with Jason over these 14 years. This creative arrangement benefits everyone, creating more love and interconnectedness, and helping a kid find his or her way in the world.