The challenges straight women face today in dating...and their need to redefine relationships and marriage

The Atlantic has a good article on the limited choices faced by many single professional women in dating. This is particularly a problem given that women are increasingly out-achieving their male counterparts in education and employment. It is worth a read.

This short article is full of wisdom about relationships

A really wise article about relationships. By Wendy Strgr.

Who has the most sex? The Daily Beast tells us

Check out the facts and figures from today's Daily Beast post.

Would men be happier without online pornography?

June 21, 2010 By Marnia Robinson
goodmenproject.com

A few years ago, men from all over the world began arriving in my website’s forum complaining that they were unable to stop using Internet porn. Google had sent them—perhaps because my site shares information about the effects of sex on the brain.

My site, however, is about relationships, not recovery. Yet their obvious distress, and porn’s impact on their relationships, motivated me to welcome them. As I listen, these visitors support each other in the struggle to leave porn behind.

Often they report dramatic changes as porn use recedes: more energy, increased social confidence, better concentration, greater gains from workouts, stronger erections, a return to earlier sexual tastes, increased optimism, and more enjoyment from life’s subtler pleasures.

In short, many men are happier without Internet pornography.

Their experience has shown me that porn’s chief danger isn’t obvious to most users. It arises from intense stimulation of the reward circuitry of the brain—a portion of the ancient “mammalian brain,” which lies under the newer neocortex (rational brain). The reward circuitry governs emotions, mating, eating, motivation, and all addictions. It runs on a neurochemical called dopamine, the “gotta get it!” neurotransmitter.

Novelty-on-demand (slot machines, video games, porn videos) is often so enticing for this primitive part of the brain, that compulsion becomes a risk. Moreover, our brains evolved to light up not only for novelty-on-demand, but also for the genetic bonanza of sex with a novel partner.

Therefore, Internet porn, which offers new partners begging for ejaculate at each mouse click, registers as so rewarding that the brain easily rewires itself to focus more and more attention on these perceived opportunities. This can swiftly reorder the user’s priorities.

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Our brain’s reward circuitry evolved foremost to drive us toward sex and food. We seem to be especially vulnerable to superstimulating sexual arousal and junk food. Junk food has helped make 64 percent of Americans overweight (and half of those obese).
And now that free, streaming videos are available privately in endless supply, how many are using porn? (Hint: last year a Montreal professor had to revise his study about the effects of porn. He couldn’t find any male “porn virgins” on a major university campus.)

“The addictiveness of Internet pornography is not a metaphor,” explains psychiatrist Norman Doidge in The Brain That Changes Itself. Porn users are seduced into pornographic training sessions that meet all the conditions required for plastic change of brain maps, namely, rapt attention, reinforcement, and dopamine consolidation of new neural connections.

Some users (such as musician John Mayer) substitute porn for intimate relationships or friendly interaction, learning life skills, and so on. Their reward circuitry no longer perceives the latter as worth the effort. After all, this part of the brain can’t reason. It weighs options according to which release the most dopamine.

Paradoxically, it’s while someone is recovering from intense stimulation that he’s most likely to want more intense stimulation. This primitive mechanism evolved to keep us on task when something especially stimulating (“valuable”) is around. It works by numbing the pleasure response for a time (by weakening the effects of dopamine), so we look around for more.

This, by the way, is why drug addicts need more and more to get the same effects. This device probably worked just fine for spreading genes when receptive, novel mates were scarce. Today, however, the brain mistakes each enticing 2-D hottie as a prime opportunity to pass on genes. A porn user can feel as if his duty is never done.

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Overstimulated men report growing numb to life’s subtler pleasures, such as the charms of real partners. At the same time, they can be hypersensitive to the sexual stimuli their brains associate with “relief.” For many, the pursuit of more stimulating materials becomes mandatory to relieve the misery of feeling as if some key ingredient of their happiness is missing—and it is. Brain changes have temporarily dimmed their capacity for enjoyment.

It is not unusual for men caught in this cycle to feel anxious, socially ill-at-ease, moody, despairing, and apathetic. Until they reboot their brains, life seems meaningless, but for the single-minded pursuit of hotter stimuli. As one man put it:
With the magazines, porn use was a few times a week and I could basically regulate it. ‘Cause it wasn’t really that ’special’. But when I entered the murky world of Internet porn, my brain had found something it just wanted more and more of…. I was out of control in less than 6 months. Years of mags: no problems. A few months of online porn: hooked.

Often users don’t realize what they’re passing up until they give their brains a chance to return to equilibrium. For some, the lengthy withdrawal required to achieve this can be so agonizing (shakes, insomnia, despair, cravings, splitting headaches) that they feel trapped.

For example, in The Great Internet Porn-Off, 70 percent of contestants could not go without porn for two weeks. Nor can some officials of the Securities and Exchange Commission, it seems.

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A planet where computer literate men run a considerable risk of compulsive porn use won’t be as happy as it could be. People struggling to ease cravings for more and more stimulation generally have little time, sensitivity, or resolve for creativity, good causes, relationships, or nature’s pleasures. Yet the transformation in those who feel better without porn is inspiring. Consider these posts:

I feel again. I feel emotions again. My interest in women is heightened, my confidence is up and gives me motivation again. I’m 28 now and until the last couple of years I felt I had the maturity of a 15 year old. But as I heal and recover from this compulsion, I’ve felt emotions I’ve never had to deal with before. It has helped me grow up.

After a few days I noticed increased energy, increased attention, and higher self-esteem. After a month—although it took several tries to get there—those improvements were all through the roof. A couple of months later, I was having real sex. It is nice to get aroused by little things, like a revealing blouse or just a woman’s flowing, shiny hair and fragrance.

I am more at ease with myself and can look people in the eye, with kindness and a superhuman confidence. I had two women introduce themselves to me yesterday, shake my hand and HOLD IT. Wow. I was so comfortable talking to everyone. I wrote two pages of a script that went in an even deeper direction than I was aiming for. Exercising is through the roof.

I have so much more energy, I’m less moody, I have more enthusiasm and motivation for work, I don’t feel drained all the time, and I feel a deeper sense of connection with everything around me. But the biggest change it has made is in my relationship. My girlfriend and I feel much closer to each other already.

When it comes to sexually explicit materials, our society tends to get lost in debates about free speech, degree of obscenity, sexual repression, and harm to third parties. Maybe we should take a closer look at porn’s power to hijack brains.

Marnia Robinson, J.D., is the author of Cupid's Poisoned Arrow: From Habit to Harmony in Sexual Relationships. She blogs with the collaboration of her amazing husband Gary Wilson, who teaches human sciences.

"The Joy and Pain of Close Relationships"

from Tricycle Magazine

You do not learn non-attachment by disengaging and avoiding the intensity of relationships, their joy and their pain. It is easy to disguise as non-attachment what is not non-attachment at all, but your fear of attachment. When you really care about someone and you are willing to commit to that friendship, then you have fertile ground to learn about both attachment and non-attachment. That is what makes a close relationship so rich.

--Judy Lief, "Tying the Knot" (Spring 1998)

Seeing each other

Isn’t a relationship just an exercise in seeing the perfection in each other’s imperfections?

--Hyla Molander

"Cupid's Ammo:" smart ways on how to maintain hot, blissful monogamy

"Cupid’s Ammo"
June 1, 2010 By Marnia Robinson
Having trouble staying faithful? Learn how to trick your brain into hot, blissful monogamy.

When you’re hit by Cupid’s arrow, you effectively become delusional. You don’t realize this, of course, because, well, you’re delusional. You’re convinced that the person you met last week at your buddy’s wedding is The One, and you expect the passion you’re feeling to keep you quivering with interest and ecstasy for a lifetime. (Scientists call this phenomenon “pair bonding,” and though they’re experts on the condition, they’ve been known to succumb to it themselves.) Cupid is a sneaky dude, or rather, the biological agenda he personifies doesn’t necessarily promote enduring love.

Cupid’s ammo is the first of a series of neurochemical impulses in a primitive part of your brain known as the limbic system—or “mammalian brain.” Your ancient mammalian brain is so powerful, so efficiently wired, that it often overwhelms your more recently evolved and considerably more realiable “rational brain.”

The mammalian brain’s mating agenda urges you to:
(1) fall in love recklessly with fireworks that propel sperm to egg,
(2) bond long enough to fall in love with your kids so they have two caregivers,
(3) get fed up with your mate,
(4) look for a new one.

This agenda improves the genetic variety of offspring, and the greater the variety, the better our genes’ chances of surviving into the future. Cold, heartless, but effective.

But what if you want to outsmart Cupid and actually stay in love? (If you’re married, you already signed up for this, so pay attention.) After all, contented monogamy has its up-sides: close, trusted companionship protects psychological and physical health, and having two caregivers improves kids’ chances of well-being. One household is also cheaper to maintain than two, and serial seduction can be downright tiring—and expensive.

How can you steer the primitive part of your brain toward hot, sweaty, monogamous contentment? It’s challenging because the primitive mammalian brain doesn’t run on logic or vows. You may have noticed that you can’t use willpower to force yourself to fall in love—or stay in love. Go ahead and try—you’re going to lose that game every time.

Your mammalian brain runs on subconscious cues, that is, behavioral signals that bypass your rational brain and trigger gut responses. By understanding which pedals to push, you can steer your romance more consciously and with less inner torment.

The behaviors that deliver the most potent subconscious signals may surprise you. Hot sex with lots of orgasms plays right into Cupid’s agenda; it sounds counter-intuitive, but intense sexual stimulation can actually dampen the pleasure response in many brains, at least temporarily. This can be a powerful trigger for a mammal to seek greener pastures. “Fertilization duty done here; time to find this mate less alluring—and respond to any potential novel mate with gusto.” Scientists call this the Coolidge Effect—named, after President Calvin Coolidge, who, while on a trip to a poultry farm, marveled at the promiscuous roosters. Ninety-seven percent of all mammal species operate their love lives entirely on this signal. They copulate to the point of disinterest, and then they move on.

Humans, on the other hand, are among the rare mammals with the capacity to “fall in love.” We’re pair bonders. Even so, our impulse to breed early and often still lurks within. It competes with our “bonding” inclination, sometimes causing severe inner conflict. Perhaps you’ve noticed.

Our bonding program starts off with a bang—in the form of a “honeymoon cocktail.” It’s a temporary booster shot of thrilling neurochemistry: increased dopamine (the brain compound most closely associated with addiction), norepinephrine, nerve growth factor, lower serotonin, and adjustments to testosterone levels. The result is often infatuation and even obsession, which temporarily blunts the “move on” message—even in the face of lots of sex and the wild mood swings that new lovers often experience. They’re hooked on each other.

Sadly, any honeymoon neurochemistry will wear off within two years. This is why the move from infatuation to long-term contentment is problematic. As the buzz fades, your perceptions of each other may fluctuate disconcertingly during the days or weeks after passionate encounters.

One husband experienced the phenomenon this way: “We’d have sex for fifteen minutes. Then I’d be grouchy for a week. Then I’d be sweet as honey as I got horny again.”

Women sometimes experience it, too. “My wife turns into a major bitch on occasion the morning after a night of really great sex,” one man said. “I’m talking multiple orgasms and a two to three-hour session. And the next morning I am the anti-Christ!”

“This happens to me, too,” a woman told me. “I wake up in the morning after a great night with my dear husband and feel like the bitch from hell sometimes… really irritable and moody. Normally I’m a very even-keel kind of gal. Things feel better when orgasms are more spread out. I have personally noticed a significant decrease in my attraction and warm fuzzy feelings toward my spouse when the “O” is on a constant, regular basis.

Mood swings like these, even in milder forms (not to mention the projections they foster), can extinguish the sparkle in a relationship, making both partners wonder if they’d be better off with someone new. Since most of us don’t realize that subtle neurochemical shifts are coloring our views, we tend to blame each other.

The good news is that the ancient mammalian brain is also home to the only part of the brain that can stay in love. Just as too much sexual stimulation can put lovers out of sync, “attachment cues” can help them look good to each other indefinitely.

Bonding behaviors include skin-to-skin contact, gazing into each other’s eyes, kissing with lips and tongues, wordless sounds of contentment and pleasure, stroking with intent to comfort, touching and sucking of nipples/breasts, spooning or hugging each other in silence, placing a calming hand on our lover’s genitals, and gentle intercourse. These behaviors deliver the subconscious message, “Strengthen this emotional tie.”

Incidentally, these cues work because they derive from the basic mammalian infant-caregiver attachment behaviors that enable us to fall in love with our parents and kids. Only in rare pair bonders like humans can adult mates use similar subconscious cues to sustain their romances indefinitely.

To keep us doting, bonding behaviors must occur almost daily. Even a moment or two can do the job, but these signals are far less effective if couples use them only rarely, or solely in connection with reaching climax.

Bonding cues are not the same as foreplay. Foreplay is designed to produce sexual tension. In contrast, these ancient cues work because they relax mates’ nervous systems. Foreplay is goal-oriented; bonding behaviors are not. Intriguingly, gentle intercourse without orgasm can be a powerful bonding behavior. In fact, various cultures throughout history preserved this technique under different names: karezza, amplexus reservatus, Daoist dual cultivation, and others.

So, how do you keep monogamy rewarding over the long haul? Emphasize daily, soothing bonding behaviors (including relaxed intercourse). Keep in mind that by not dampening each other’s sexual desire (at a brain chemical level), you can sidestep the subsequent feelings of dissatisfaction that can send you running for the hills.

If you want to enjoy monogamy indefinitely, send Cupid the right signals.

"For Even Better: 10 Tips for Relationship Bliss"

by Colleen Wachob
www.mindbodygreen.com

How many books have your read on healthy eating? Self-help? Fitness? Dating? Leadership? Wellness? If your bookshelf looks anything like mine, Amazon should probably be thanking us for our intellectual curiosity. But what about the modern marriage? It is the most profound relationship in many people's lives, but there are fewer fact-based options for the person seeking to understand how to strengthen our most important relationship.

Having recently celebrated our first wedding anniversary, I wanted to learn how my husband and I could help immunize ourselves from future strains and stresses on our marriage. Since we inherit most of our conceptions of marriage from our families, peers and social groups, I was drawn to Tara Parker-Pope's scientific exploration of relationships in For Better: The Science of a Good Marriage. After her 17-year marriage ended, the New York Times Well Blog columnist Parker-Pope sought an objective, fact-based understanding of what went wrong in her own relationship. Whether you think of your significant other as your soul mate, life partner, husband or wife, Parker-Pope offers insights to help you strengthen your most profound relationship in life.

If you are in a new and thriving marriage, a fulfilling partnership of many years, or evaluating whether you want to take the next step, Parker-Pope's tips from "For Better" will help you maintain, booster or rekindle the relationship bliss:

1. Celebrate the small stuff.
"It's not enough that your partner knows that you take pride in her or her accomplishments. You have to show it. Making a fuss over the small, good things that happen everyday can boost the health of your marriage."

2. Learn how to fight productively.
"The key to fighting productively is to recognize when a disagreement is going in the wrong direction and to take steps to calm things down and repair rifts."

3. Silence is not golden.
"By staying quiet and avoiding conflict when things bothered them, they had missed important opportunities to cultivate and grow their relationship."

4. Don't put negative thoughts into the universe.
"Men and women who had pondered thoughts of divorce in 1980 were nine times more likely to have gotten divorced by the end of the study."

5. Plan together.
"Couples who planned a baby's arrival or who were equally joyous at becoming parents were far more likely to maintain their marital happiness or even enjoy an increase after the baby was born."

6. Maintain a circle of friends and support.
"Strong friendships outside the marriage can take the pressure off your relationship, help you work things out away from your spouse, and ultimately protect your marriage from unnecessary stress and discord."

7. Overcompensate for mistakes.
"Do marriage math. Even when you make a mistake, tell yourself that you're going to do at least five positive things for your spouse to make up for it, and then do them. And don't wait until you bicker to turn on the charm. Nice gestures and comments go far in a marriage, they are easy to do, and they will help insulate your marriage from being damaged by the inevitable bad days."

8. Set the marriage bar high.
"Husbands and wives who hold their partners to a reasonably high standard have better marriages. If you expect a better, more satisfying relationship, you improve your chances of having one."

9. Give it a break.
"Sometimes, improving your marriage means giving it a break. Increasing your connections with family, friends and society is good for your marriage."

10. Be aware of your body language.
"Eye rolling is a painfully obvious sign of contempt, and it's a powerful predictor that your relationship is in serious trouble."

"Why so many gay men are single"...I could have written this article myself

by Mike Alvear from Huffingtonpost.com

The Dewey Decimal system can't compartmentalize love and sex the way gay men can.

Like a lot of gay men, I seem to be stuck doing guys I don't want to date and dating guys I don't want to do.

Take this guy I met playing volleyball. We went up to block a shot and we both fell down. We had a "Love Boat" moment when I grabbed his hand to help him up. There were wedding platters in his eyes. There were bedposts in mine.

So we went on a date. Or rather, he went on a date. I went on a hunt. The guy was my type the way Arial is the New Yorker's type: Easy on the eyes, making you impatient to get to the end. But as much as I liked him sexually, I didn't feel any other connection. And thus, I was hurled into the basic gay dating dilemma: Do you have sex with someone you're physically but not emotionally attracted to?

The answer, of course, is yes. Oh, God, yes. But the problem with bedding someone who wants a wedding is the pain created by mismatched intentions.

I remember him saying, "Let's do something, dinner, a movie."

"I can't really do anything until eleven o'clock," I'd tell him.

"Well, you can't do anything at eleven o'clock at night on a weekday except have sex and go to sleep," he'd say.

*"Exactly,"* I'd say to myself.

And so, whenever he asked me out he'd hear a knock on his door around eleven. Once your inner pig comes out, it's hard to coax him back in.

He eventually broke it off, as he should have. I wasn't the bad guy but I wasn't doing him any good either. When you fall in love with someone who just wants to fall in bed it's time to call it quits. I know; I've been on the receiving end of it, too.

Then there's the other side: the guys you want to date but not do. They're the worst. Because they make you realize what a nutcase you are.

Like this guy, "Ted." I loved everything about him except his body. I tried to do the chick thing -- you know, have sex with a guy even though you're not physically attracted to them because they're kind and smart and loving and that's what you want in a man so what's a few minutes of Ugh-ness.

Well, it didn't take. I tried but I just couldn't do it. I even invoked the "Three Date Rule" to buy some time to let my emotional attraction morph into sexual desire.

I don't know how women do it, but if I'm not attracted to a guy physically I can't have sex with them no matter how emotionally attracted I am to them. I guess that's the main difference between men and women. For men, intimacy is a consequence of sex; for women it's a pre-requisite.

Maybe that's why so many of us gay men are single for so long. If we could direct our sexual desire from physical to the emotional we'd lead more fulfilled lives.

But how do we do it? Too bad we can't call up biological electricians and have them re-wire us. The truth is that it's beyond easy to find someone you want to date AND do. The problem is that those guys generally don't want to date and do you.

When you're gay, being single is never because you haven't found the right guy. It's that your "Mr. Right" thinks you're "Mr. Fright." Poetic justice, really. For every man you reject there's a man that rejected you. On and on, the cycle goes unbroken.

Dating would be so much simpler if our sexual desire obeyed our emotional attachments. Until they do, hope, like a certain body part, will spring eternal.

6 Signs you're in a healthy relationship

by Brett Blumenthal - Sheer Balance

Not long ago, I published an article about six qualities to admire in others, and the response was extraordinary. I prefaced the article by saying that the six I mentioned were by far not an exhaustive list, but included those traits that seemed especially hard to find. In reading all of the comments, however, I was inspired to write a follow-up list that covers some of the other qualities that I, as well as others, believe to be important when looking for friendships and relationships with others.

Our relationships are vital to our mental well-being. However, toxic relationships can really do a number on our happiness and outlook on life. As a result, it is important to look for individuals who possess qualities that allow for healthy relationships. Although, once again, not an exhaustive list, the qualities listed below are those that should be at the very heart of a healthy relationship. And, just as you would expect your friend, family member or loved one to display these qualities, it is just as important to reciprocate.

Loyalty: Whether it's in friendships or in family, loyalty is truly important to maintain a healthy relationship. All of us are guilty, at one time or another, of making mistakes, having ups and downs, and even displaying some behavior that we may not always be proud of. When we find friends or loved ones who can forgive us and stand by us…even during our worst moments…we should be especially grateful. That said, loyalty should never be taken for granted and we should always be deeply appreciative when it comes our way.

Respect: I once knew an individual who was very opinionated about political topics. She would talk down to people who disagreed with her and would be very disrespectful. Not only did she make people feel stomped on, but she left many disinterested in friendship. Treating others with kindness and the respect they deserve is important in gaining the respect that WE desire. It never feels good to be taken for granted, judged or used and it doesn’t feel good to be talked down to or treated rudely or inappropriately. There will be times that we may not always have full agreement with our friends or loved ones, but respecting them along the way is a must.

Unconditionally There: There is nothing worse than having someone always resurface in your life when they are in need, are looking for something or need a favor. In a culture of “you scratch my back, and I’ll scratch yours,” it is somewhat rare to find those “who just scratch your back,” period. Finding individuals who want you in their lives just because…and not because they want something in return is refreshing and worth holding on to. Those who are generous of heart are to be treasured!

Trustworthy: I once worked with a woman who, within my first week on the job, felt the need to tell me all of the intimate details of the various extra-marital affairs that had occurred with the management of the firm. She was supposedly friends with these people and I have no doubt, was told this information in the most strictest of confidences. How she felt it was appropriate to divulge this information to a new-hire like me, I still have no idea. But, it was her nature to gossip about everyone and everything. If you share something in confidence, you should be able to trust that the information will remain that way.

A Genuine Sounding Board: Taking a genuine interest in what others have to say and really listening to someone is important in developing solid relationships. Letting go of the “me, me, me” and focusing on the other person not only makes the other person feel valued and appreciated, but they feel that they can really talk to someone who cares. Those who take the time to really listen to our thoughts and feelings, and then help us work through difficult times and situations, share our lives at a much deeper level than those who don’t. These are individuals worth hanging on to.

Dependability: I had a friend who frequently would RSVP to small gatherings and then would never show. They never explained…never brought it up…and never apologized. Although this example is somewhat trivial, it still makes the point. Obviously there are times when things come up that prevent individuals from following through on what they promise, but if a friend, co-worker or family member perpetually drops the ball, they may be sending you a message. If a friend says they are going to do something or be somewhere, you should be able to count on them. And, in reciprocation, they you.
What traits do you look for in a friend or partner? Are your relationships healthy?

Nothing is more important than this

The power of relationships holds our universe together -- literally. Even in this country of "rugged individualism", we need each other, sorry GOP. Some call this idea socialism; I call it love. Read this blog post from DailyGood.org.

The Leader's Work: Reweaving Relationships:
"The scientific search for the basic building blocks of life has revealed a startling fact: there are none. The deeper that physicists peer into the nature of reality, the only thing they find is relationships. Even sub-atomic particles do not exist alone (...) We live in a culture that does not acknowledge this scientific fact. We believe wholeheartedly in the individual and build organizations based on this erroneous idea." In this article, writer and management consultant Margaret Wheatley talks of the role leaders must play in rejecting current beliefs and reweaving crucial relationships...More

The yin and yang of real relationships

In the last two days I have had the opportunity to tell a close friend that he did something to hurt my feelings. And, in another close relationship, I had to apologize for something I did to undermine that person’s trust. How is that for yin and yang of relating?

Both of these acts required courage as well as vulnerability. Something, a teacher of mine, Joe Weston describes as the building blocks of “respectful confrontation,” a non-violent communication approach that he teaches, especially to gay men and lesbians. (In fact, he’s got upcoming workshop on respectful confrontation in October.) Joe believes there is a way to communicate your feelings, take responsibility for your part of the situation, and make request of another in a connected, respectful way.

These conflicts with my friends were not huge transgressions, but rather the usual messiness that comes from egos, lack of awareness, and miscommunication. Juicy, everyday stuff. I could have swept these two conflicts under the rug, but I decided I would miss out on the chance to be honest and vulnerable. From my experience, I know that honesty and vulnerability are at the heart of true intimacy, and intimacy is what satisfying relationships are all about.

I am very much a student, still practicing and building my respectful confrontation communication skills from day-to-day. Including making plenty of mistakes. But, this may be the greatest lesson I can teach a child: modeling courage, vulnerability, and intimacy, in my own imperfect way.