The importance of "showing up and doing the work"

On the spiritual path, there are no shortcuts. It is a matter of showing up and doing the work.


--Joe Rodriguez

One particle of dust contains...

One particle of dust contains thousands of sutras,
so the wisdom of all Buddhas is complete in the
bodies of ordinary people who do not realize it.

--Chinul

via Zen Calendar

Famous zen master on the power of meditation

Life without zazen is like winding your clock without setting it. It runs perfectly well, but doesn't tell time.

--Suzuki Roshi

The problem with conceptualizations

If you will conceive of a Buddha, you will be obstructed by that Buddha!

--Huang-Po

The joys of being Joe...

...including the meaningful work I do, the warmth of love and my family and friends, the beauty of the world, feeling physically able and fit, my garden, my spiritual practice (including last night's meditation and this morning's rigorous yoga class), and shopping late night and horsing-around at Trader Joe's with a good friend.

A friend writes eloquently about his anger and compassion for a murderer...revealing his wisdom

I received this email on Wednesday night:

I need to share something with you, Joe.

I felt so sad today after reading another article in the Chronicle about the guy in Oakland who beat and killed a three year old child and then killed her mother and his girlfriend, to stop them from reporting him to the police. Evidently he had tortured, beat and killed another small child several years ago but wasn't sent to the prison because of some legal technicality. So this was the second small child that he had done this to.

I was thinking about how painful it must have been for them and how fearful those small children must have been as this man did what he did to them. We don't even know all that he did to them. Can you allow yourself to imagine their pain and fear? Kids are so open and trusting at that age. And so beautiful. It must have been awful for them. This realization made me feel so very sad and I stayed with this sadness until it became too painful for me. I was only able to let go of that sad feeling when i thought about how emotionally tortured the guy himself must have been, and probably still is, to be able to do something that cruel to such young and innocent children. What horrors he must have gone through in his mind to be able to do that to them? Surely he is suffering inside. I just can't fathom that he did this because he enjoyed doing it or got any kind of pleasure or boost out of it. He had to be terribly deluded and in extreme pain himself to be able to do that...

My friend's words poignantly touch on the issues raised by the brilliant movie "Precious", which I blogged about earlier this week. Is the perpetrator a victim too? What are the causes of violence and anger? How can we reduce the suffering of all beings?

Make no mistake, I don't believe there is any reason to justify violence and cruelty...especially against children. But unless we have the courage to look deeply into the underlying causes of such suffering -- ours and others, we will be blind, lumping people into "good" and "bad" camps and creating more criminals in the process.

Recently, I came across an inspiring non-profit counseling organization, the Insight Prison Project, that works with San Quentin, bringing together inmates and victims of crime. By better understanding each other, hundreds of people from both sides of this equation have been able to heal, forgive, and live better lives. Some argue that we need to build more prisons and throw people away, but that approach won't work in the long-term. In the end, there is no escaping the spiritual truth that everyone is interconnected and we need to be our brother's (and sister's) keeper and vice versa. There are no shortcuts when it comes to love.

The joy of...

...creating, sharing, and loving! A senior couple walked into the lobby of the Mayo Clinic and spotted a piano. They've been married for 62 years and he'll be 90 this year. Watch what happens.



Thanks to Phil, for sending me this video link.

More on integrity, from one of my spiritual brothers

The best definition I ever heard of integrity was one I heard the first day in Rehab.

A woman got up who was a Presbyterian minister.  

She said, "Let me tell you what we are going to do for you here.  We are going to give you your integrity back."

I remember thinking, "I don't need that.  I've got integrity."

Then she said, "Integrity means having your insides and your outsides match."

I wrote down on my pad:  "I've got a problem.  I'm a lawyer."

I realized that I had been trained in a profession which had taught me for over 20 years to never have my insides and outsides match.  I could not say to a judge, "You're an idiot," or to an allegedly injured worker who was not telling the truth, "You're lying."

I went to meet with the woman and told her I had a problem.

When I told her I was a lawyer, she said, "You really do."

I asked her what I should do.  She told me she did not know the answer.  If she did, she would tell me.  But she told me that, until I found the answer, I would never be happy.

I spent several weeks thinking about it.  And then, one day I thought, "What if I just told the truth?"

And, when I came back from Rehab, I started telling the truth.  About everything.

I told the truth about my law firm (and got fired) but that led me to start my own firm, which I love.

I told the truth about what had happened to me leading to Rehab, and that started lawyers coming to me and telling their stories.

I told the truth to my family when they were making me crazy.  That brought a closeness and honesty we had never had before and my father sharing stories that not even my mother knew, and him sharing them with tears streaming down his face (this, from a man who does not cry).

And I told the truth to everyone on my Team.  That has led to their telling the Truth to me and, as you know, becoming incredibly bonded.  It has given me a phenomenal Team, and phenomenal people helping me with the Team.

And, I told the truth to my clients.  That led to some falling away (WalMart) but many, many others coming onboard saying, "It's so nice to finally hear someone tell the truth."

And, in April of this Year, for the first time, it led me to be able to say something from the heart.

I told a group of doctors the following:

"You've probably already figured out that I'm pretty unusual--a gay workers' compensation lawyer who went to Rehab.  (And then I made a joke)  But, we're a dime a dozen.

But I'm more unusual than that.  I'm something you've probably never seen before.

I'm a happy lawyer.

And how many times have you ever seen that?

I'm a happy lawyer because I do what I love, with people that I love, and only for people that I love."

But the real reason I'm a happy lawyer is because that woman in Rehab taught me the secret of integrity--getting your insides and outsides to match.

And she was right, from that came happiness.

from an email by Phil Walker

The definition of integrity

I had a very important conversation with my friend Jim, today, where we talked about the importance of living with integrity and a personal matter that I need to clean up. If you look up this word on dictionary.com, there are several definitions offered, but one is my clear favorite:

in·teg·ri·ty (ĭn-těg'rĭ-tē) n. The quality or condition of being whole or undivided; completeness.

Yeah, most powerful to me is this idea of being whole, not deceiving and splintering myself with self-deceptions or falsehoods. The intention is to see myself and actions for what they really are, with directness and honesty, and make corrections when needed. While not perfect, I aspire to live with integrity. Not because I want to be a good boy, but rather I want to live a full and complete life...without unnecessary suffering for me or others.

Speaking of integrity, watch this video interview of one of Ireland's most loved athletes, Donal Óg Cusack, a hurling goalkeeper, coming out publicly. In the U.S., this would be the equivalent of Derek Jeter coming out (not that I am insinuating that he is gay).

The final chapter of "Born to Run"

Once in a great while, a book totally knocks off my socks and this book, "Born to Run", is one of those. It is the non-fictional story of how a remote tribe of native Mexican Indians, who are fantastic runners, competed against the best ultra-marathoners in the world in one exciting race, and what these vastly different groups had in common and learned from each other. Somewhat surprisingly, enjoying whatever you are doing (in this case, running) and being loving to others turned out to be two critical factors in running well. Sometimes overlooked in this age of science, these qualities of heart can not be underestimated. As someone who ran competitively for over 20 years, I don't want this book to end.

A video reminder about impermanence

This gives new meaning to the cliche, "live each day as if it were your last."

The joy of gving and receiving

Yesterday, I led a dharma talk (a Buddhist phrase for spiritual discussion) at the Gay Buddhist Fellowship, in San Francisco, at their regular Sunday meeting. Over the course of the last two weeks, I had spent a several hours thinking about the topic (which I will discuss in a future post) and framing the discussion, so I felt prepared for and relaxed at yesterday's meeting. More than anything, my intention was to speak from the heart: I told stories that were less theoretical and more based on my own experience and observations. Rather than me talking for the 45 minutes of time allotted, I spoke only for 15 minutes and then facilitated small and large group discussions for the most of the time. I wanted to listen and learn from the group.

The session went well, with everyone participating, having a lot to share and wanting to be seen. In fact, because the group got so spirited during the breakout groups, the sangha leader had to ask everyone to keep their voices down. I had several friends there, so I felt well supported and, afterwords, enjoyed going to lunch with two of them.

In short, this Sunday experience reminds me of the joy of sharing from the heart, listening, learning, and being seen. The power in both the giving and the receiving. Everyone participates and benefits. It is a lot of fun, too.

Beneath the lies we tell ourselves

In my experience, the delusions that the mind concocts, especially about our selves, are endless. This steady stream of self-criticism is somehow meant to keep us honest and safe, at least according to our egos.

I has reminded of this the other night, in a conversation with my good friend Richard. I was telling him about some of the observations about myself, especially some of the places where I get stuck in romantic relationships. When I was done he paused, smiled at me and then he presented a very compelling case on how good at relationships I am, citing my deep connections with family, friends, and boyfriends and partners.

Richard made his point: despite a few opportunities for improvement in your relationships, don’t let this obscure the bigger truth: you are perfect just the way you are. His words reminded me that the spiritual way is to continue to soften the heart towards one's self and focus on the innate goodness or Buddha nature of all beings, including me. We all tell ourselves these lies...this is a practice of noticing this internal phenomenon and remembering the real truth.

The power of putting yourself out there

About two months ago I started this blog and a related twitter account as a means of letting lesbian women, with similar goals and aspirations, know about me. I had some fears about writing a blog but had an even stronger desire to meet a potential mom who was looking a known sperm donor and become a mentor to a child. If you read my blog posts over this time, you may have picked up on the vulnerability I have sometimes felt in sharing my feelings here, talking about my personal life, and showing pictures of family, friends and myself on the worldwide wide web. Yet as Pema Chodron, a favorite Tibetan Buddhist teacher, encourages, I felt no choice but to “lean into” my discomfort, blogging and tweeting in the hopes of meeting potential moms with common interests and intentions. Nearly every day, I have spent an hour or more doing this, including writing blog posts, putting messages on related web sites, sending personal emails to health and legal professionals who work with lesbian families, linking with other LGBT parenting blog sites, and brainstorming ideas with everyone I can.

Having invested this energy and time, recently, things for me are starting to move and take more form. A few women are beginning to email me, I am having preliminary conversations, and others are suggesting new avenues and resources to pursue. In the process, I feel like I am having some affect on realizing my dream, not just being at effect. It is also feels good to share heart-felt aspirations and stories with others who are on similar journeys, encouraging and helping to support one another. This process has become its own reward and that's not something I expected two months ago.

I am on a plane to Kauai, Hawaii now (yes, poor me!) for a week on this famous garden island, with fun, gay married friends, a couple that got married when it was legal in California. In addition to playing sports on the beach and reading, I plan to keep blogging, answering emails and tweeting, watching Obama’s speech to the gays (tonight, at the HRC dinner on C-SPAN) and cheering the Herculean effort to create a better health care system for all Americans. Putting myself out here has required vulnerability, creativity and persistence in showing up -- the qualities expected in any spiritual warrior. And so far, this experience has been well worth it.

Aloha!

Two friends who are also my spiritual teachers

When I was twelve-year-old, I hungered for friends who truly understood and saw the “real” me. Sometimes, our deepest wishes are not granted till later. Now, I have dozen or so close, wonderful and caring friends, all of whom I treasure and learn from each of them as my spiritual teachers. But two stand out…consistently inspiring me to be a better person, be more open-hearted, and be more forgiving – not by what they say, but by the way they move through their worlds. They quietly give love to others while being fully engaged in life, in demanding roles. One is a non-profit leader while the other is a holistic doctor. And like two other personal heroes of mine (Lincoln and Obama), neither of them is mean or vindictive.

Rather than disclose their names here, I will just refer to them as “L” and “M.” Here are a few of the spiritual lessons that they have picked up from them.

* They see the best in people, focusing on, as the Buddha taught, everyone’s basic goodness. While these two friends are fully cognizant of others’ dramas and delusions, they don’t focus on this “stuff” or identify people with their fears. They see beyond it, to the real person, his or her essence. Very rarely do they gossip and laugh at others, in order to aggrandize themselves. Instead, they give people lots of space, grace and understanding. And both of them say what their truth is with me -- with responsibility, precision, and compassion -- particularly when we have one of life’s inevitable misunderstandings or difficulties. They inspire me, especially since I can be a “hot head” who can dwell on other’s faults and defects when I feel wronged or attacked.

* They are forgiving. Both of these men know that a big part of happiness is forgiving others. (They also aren’t afraid to take responsibility for their mistakes, apologize and ask others to forgive them.) For example, when M and his long-time wealthy partner split up, M did not sue his partner who spitefully blocked access to some promised assets. It took some time, but M eventually let it go…even though it involved giving up a good deal of money. Also, I’ve been inspired by L as he continues to shower his love on his initially cautious and self-protective boyfriend, who has been gradually transformed by this into a relaxed and loving husband. (I was a best man at their wedding.) L kept seeing beyond the fears of his partner to the point where he gave into L’s love. Forgiveness, too, is something that I am learning to do better, thanks to these men.

* They are accepting, not controlling. My two friends seem to innately know that there is no thing or no person that need to “get” or control. They say their truth and do their best, and let go of the rest. Generally, they don’t use third party information to control or manipulate others (i.e. “he or she said this about you...). While they aren’t critical of others, they do draw appropriate boundaries, taking care of their own needs and respecting the independence of others. Recently, L had to express his anger and disappointment with his realtor when this individual offered the same property to another person, after L’s initial interest. L dealt with it, cleanly and quickly, with a minimum of drama and fuss.

This is not to deify my two friends because they are fleshy human beings, just like you and me -- with their own unique challenges, ego habits, and moments of suffering. When difficult emotions arise, L & M tend to “lean in” to them, examine them and press their internal “pause” buttons before acting out. They do this because they have a deep understanding that we humans are all interconnected, with the same basic impulses, not separate beings who are either good or evil.

All this takes practice. They have gotten to these advanced spiritual states by years of consistent effort, not through miracle shortcuts or a special weekend retreat. They embody the spirit of openness and flexibility that helps them rise above the ordinary din of ego-thoughts, envy, and fear. Not perfectly, but with heart, humility and grace. I give thanks for them as my teachers and my friends, and to everyone else in my life. In the end, the twelve-year-old boy inside me got exactly what he wanted, and more.

Our hearts yearn to relax into love

This wise lesson by Sylvia Boornstein, a self-described "Jewish mother" of Buddhist teachers, is featured on The Tricycle website today. I especially like this line from it: "We know as we have never known before that we are stuck, all of us, with bodies and minds and instincts and impulses, all in a tug-of-war with our basic heart nature that yearns to relax into love." Oh yes, time to sit back into my Buddhist lounge chair and let more love in!

From www.tricycle.com/blog:
The practice of seeing clearly is what finally moves us toward kindness. Seeing, again and again, the infinite variety of traps we create for seducing the mind into struggle, seeing the endless rounds of meaningless suffering over lusts and aversions (which, although seemingly urgent, are essentially empty), we feel compassion for ourselves. And then, quite naturally, we feel compassion for everyone else. We know as we have never known before that we are stuck, all of us, with bodies and minds and instincts and impulses, all in a tug-of-war with our basic heart nature that yearns to relax into love. Then we surrender. We love. We laugh. We appreciate. For the complete article

An autumn night under the redwoods and moon

With a friend, I spent Saturday night camping under the redwoods to celebrate and enjoy the full moon. I needed a brief respite -- to reconnect with nature, the new autumn season, and the basic rhythms of life. I pitched the tent and arranged the pillows so we slept with our faces bathed in the full, blue moonlight. Throughout the night, the redwood and hardwoods trees around us pelted the tent with seed droppings, twigs and other autumn debris. The night air was thick with forest sounds, including crickets, various birds, and the rush of the wind up the Russian River.

At a certain point, I just let go of everything – all my worries, problems, and unfinished business. Sleeping nearly 10 hours, then waking up and taking a hot outdoor shower, having biscuits and gravy for brunch, and driving back slowly to San Francisco, for a dinner with long-time friends.

I love the autumn season and its deconstructionist nature, taking time to honor the things that don’t fit in my life anymore and gently let them fall away. It is a cozy time for me, a season of reflection, going inward, and moving forward on personal initiatives. While I associate the sun with spring and summer, I think of the moon and long shadows when picturing the fall. And welcome its mostly cool breezes.

Working with the struggles of my weekend spent on a pilgrimage

(Sorry, I have not posted for several days due to my ride and head cold.)

From Dictionary.com:

Pilgrimage – noun
A journey, esp. a long one, made to some sacred place as an act of religious devotion: a pilgrimage to Lourdes.

I spent this weekend with 75 people on the Buddhist Bicycle Pilgrimage, touring four different Buddhist centers (and Buddhist traditions) over three different counties north of San Francisco. 134 miles later, I am happy to report that I made it -- despite a bad cold, 103 degree heat, leg cramps, hills, and running out of water. Thanks to the active support and encouragement of all the volunteers that supported us, including the organizers, SAG and pit stop staff, cooks, van drivers, monks, and my fellow riders. Like the AIDS Lifecycle rides, this is a community gathering. Most riders, including me, felt the pilgrimage was fun, beautiful, spiritual, challenging, and at times, very hard.

My distinct flavor of “hard” started the night before we left, when I realized that I coming down with a cold and needed a decongestant in order to breath comfortably and sleep. After 4-5 restless hours, I awoke at 4:30AM on Saturday morning but didn't know if I was well enough to ride. So I picked up two other participants (including my fun-meister friend, Phil, who was a volunteer), checked-in at the registration desk, and began cycling at 7:30. Despite feeling slightly feverish, I decided to participate, especially after the head monk gave our group a rousing dharma talk about working with the “grim” moments that would naturally arise over the next two days on the pilgrimage.

Off we went, and for the first 10 miles, I quickly found it tough going, coughing up a lot of phlegm as I charged up the hills in my typical “take San Juan”-style (as a cyclist, hills are my thing). This scared me at first because I started to realize that I might not make the whole ride. But gradually, mile after mile, my lungs stabilized and I found a good and strong cadence. I so loved the cool mist of the morning and beautiful west Marin setting that I rode the first 50 miles by myself, out in front of everyone. I just cranked out mile-after-mile, purging my cold symptoms and some emotions about recent business disappointments.

After lunch, I asked a group of the three fast riders if I could ride with them, in order to socialize more. What I didn’t know was that we were about to the leave the moderate climes of the Pacific coast for the scorching heat of Sonoma. I tried to stay with my fast riding friends, but after about 15 miles or so, I let two of them ride ahead while I struggled along with the heat. We did know this at the time, but we were riding faster than the organizers could set up the next rest stop, so my group got separated and lost. I ended somewhere on West Dry Creek road, alone, out of water, and suffering from combination of heat stroke and dehydration. I was in such bad condition that I stopped and asked two by-standers if they had any water and if they could dial my phone to call one of the ride organizers (yes, I was that dizzy). I was vulnerable and needed help despite that I am a big, strong cyclist. By seeing the expressions on their faces, these two women were very concerned about me, immediately going to a nearby farmhouse for a thermos of ice-cold water. With this and by sitting in the shade, it took me an hour to cool enough off to finish the last 10 miles of the ride.

Having been raised by a Marine Corp-trained dad, I was determined to finish the day’s ride, even if it meant walking my bike up the final, steep 3-mile-long hill. Through sheer grit and mindfulness, I made it, finally arrived at our campground and then relaxed. Despite staying in a cool swimming pool for an hour, my temperature stayed north of 100 degrees for 7 hours, and Phil worried that he might have to take to the hospital in the middle of the night. So he puts my hands and wrists in ice water and made me take some aspirin. Sometime after midnight, fortunately, my fever broke and I woke up feeling near normal and completed the ride with my small coterie of “yang” riders. While I focused on the challenges in this blog post, this weekend was mostly wonderful, with lots of interaction, quiet back roads, scenic vistas, good-hearted people, healthy food, and powerful meditations.

In hindsight, this pilgrimage is a lot like daily life, with highs and a few lows, and the ever-present opportunity to be present with “what is”, whether that be a raging fever, self-doubts, annoyance, judgments or even anger. I felt all these things during this two-day event, and was reminded of the importance of witnessing my self-dialogue, doing what is required in the moment, and relying on the strength and goodness of others. In the end, this pilgrimage brought me home, back to myself, with a softer heart and stronger legs, and into more connectedness with 74 other wonderful beings. I’ve learned that pilgrimage, like everyday life, is an act of devotion.

My partner in business...and in helping kids

Because of the bad economy, business has been very slow and frustrating, despite all the effort that has gone into cultivating new clients. Despite that, through small and big ways, I am constantly reminded that I am fortunate to be working with one of the smartest and most trustworthy people I know, my business partner Jane. She and I own a boutique business strategy firm, and nearly everyday, we see each other, have lunch, and solve thorny strategic problems together. We know each other through and through, and can anticipate what each other is going to say or do in a given situation. Our partnership dates back nearly 20 years, when she was my first boss in San Francisco.

We are a good team because we have complimentary skills and share the values of hard work, perseverance, and integrity. We both hail from ambitious Catholic families who put a premium on character and achievement -- which, mostly, is a good thing. Our shared business ethos is best summarized by the Marge Piercy poem called "To be of Use."

Like me, Jane cares deeply about kids and, in addition to raising a wonderful daughter herself as a divorced and single mom, she has helped disadvantaged children by serving on the board of directors of several education organizations. I, too, have been active in volunteering with children, working with foster kids for a number of years and then, more recently, speaking to over 250 high school health education classes, over 10 years, about my life as a gay man. For nearly two decades, Jane and I have collaborated in volunteering for a large children's advocacy group, which she is the chairperson of.

We have been very supportive of each other, especially as it relates to the kids in our personal lives. I supported Jane when her daughter dropped out of Jane's alma mater and switched colleges. And she has provided me with wise counsel as I mentored Jason, especially when his moms went through a divorce and he was depressed and unhappy in high school. Nearly every day we share some tidbit about her latest phone call from her daughter or my news about Jason.

I am proud of Jane and the work we do for business clients, as well as helping children. We have our ups and downs, yet we clearly see and value one another in both good times and bad. She is a real gem, and makes me life better and more fun.

Quote of the day: On learning to surf

"You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf" - Joseph Goldstein

(Wise words for these times...and for those helping to raise children)