Don't talk to me about love...show me what you mean

To begin by always thinking of love as an action rather than a feeling is one way in which anyone using the word in this manner automatically assumes accountability and responsibility.

--Bell Hooks

This lesson is a huge breakthrough for me. It has forced me to re-look at some of my friendships and past relationships in order better understand what is actually going on. I am realizing the important difference between professing love vs. practicing love, as Brene Brown writes about.

My greatest inheritance has been that my parents and brother have always practiced loving me. And their abiding love and deep interest in my life has helped me contend with my sister's death, emerge from the coming out process relatively whole, and deal with the inevitable professional highs and lows. We have had our issues, but my family has been there for me, nearly every step of the way, tracking me, encouraging me, and allowing me to be me. This has made all the difference and has become my model for the way I live and interact with others.

I practice loving those people who are close to me, doing my best to show up, follow their events and feelings, and try to be a positive influence - for family, friends, and business associates. Jason tells me he feels and sees my love in action and so do my family and close friends. I do this because it expresses what's in my heart.

However, the big error I have made in some relationships is expecting that my love can change others who grew up differently from me or value different things. I have mistakenly thought that my love practice would inspire them to be loving, and sometimes I have became resentful or angry when they couldn't or didn't return my love. I am reminded that I can't change anybody. But nor do I have to someone's friend or lover if they lack the capability to be loving and considerate. I realize that these relationships are not balanced or satisfying and I have let go of number of them this year, which has greatly improved the quality of my life. Most importantly, I am taking better care of myself and practicing loving me, whether that is getting more sleep, eating well and exercising more, doing things that make my heart sing or nothing at all.

All of this is helping me to be more genuinely loving -- of myself and others. At the same time, I am happy to see that many of my friends who didn't receive a lot of love as kids are finding ways to re-parent themselves and learning how to practice love. I am inspired by their courage and loving actions as much as they are by mine.

Finally, these are the types of friends (including a boyfriend) that I invite into my life: people who consistently practice giving and receiving love no matter what. And this is the commitment I make, too.