A small prayer goes a long way

I had dinner tonight with wonderful friend who reminded me of the power of saying a small prayer when facing difficulties or challenges. Nothing big or religious in nature. Just a brief prayer asking the Universe or Higher Power for strength and guidance in dealing with this changing world. As my grandmother used to do on my behalf, at the end of every day. A bit of grace goes a long way, especially during these tumultuous times.

This Wall fell because Reagan was willing to talk with Gorbachev as well as set clear boundaries

As a gay man, it is hard for me to forget that Reagan ignored the AIDS crisis, costing the lives of thousands of my fellow Americans. But no one is all good or bad, I do admire him for his willingness to drop his "evil empire" rhetoric and talk seriously, in good faith, with Gorbachev. Despite severe criticism from the Neo-Cons (the same people who brought us the Iraq war), Reagan's courageous step toward peace led to the fall of the Berlin Wall, the dismantlement of the Soviet Union and a drastic reduction in nuclear arms. Known for being a military hawk, Reagan showed his dovish side and changed our history. Read this interesting article about this by Peter Beinart.

For me, we're coming back, to our highest values

"I want my country back" shout the Teabaggers, and I sure know how they feel. But their leaders and their "Republican/Darwinian/University of Chicago-free market" values ruled for eight very long years. After witnessing the devasting effects of Bush-onomics (huge tax cuts for the top 1%, deregulation and a global financial meltdown), international mis-adventurism (the trumped-up evidence to justify the Iraqi invasion and botched post-war governance of Iraq and Afghanistan), the most egregious assaults on the U.S. Constitution (thanks to the 'pep boys' of Dick Cheney, Karl Rove, and John Woo), and chilling incompetence (Katrina) and corporate cronyism and malfeasance (Haliburton, oil companies and the most of the finance sector), it is our turn to govern and advance this country...as we did, when we created "real" growth in income and jobs during the 1990s.

Something magical happened last night: the People's House of Representatives approved a health care reform package that is going to benefit ALL Americans (even the Tea Baggers) in the same ground-breaking way that Social Security and Medicare did. And it is going to start reforming the most world's effective AND least efficient modern medical system, making it available to more Americans in smarter ways. Sure, there will be problems, bureaucratic screw-ups, and those colorful anecdotes that Conservatives will tell to rally their troops on Fox News. But this is nothing compared the overall good that this bill is going create for America, improving the health coverage and reducing the financial worries of millions of Americans. The fear-mongers are going to claim we are moving toward a British-style medical style, but they will be factually-challenged again (we are moving closer to Switzerland and Holland: regulated but private health care systems).

America is coming back, honoring the Constitution, rebuilding our international relationships and leadership, and getting one step closer to providing affordable health care to nearly all Americans. The Teabaggers will cry and scream, but there have always been people who are fearful of important advances, just like when we abolished slavery, gave women the right to vote, and desegregated the public schools, to name a few. Even the Conservatives of yesteryear, including Reagan, were against the adoption of Social Security and Medicare, today's two most popular and widely-used government programs. But no matter.

Let's celebrate: last night, in the People's house, love triumphed over fear...40 years of effort, starting with Nixon.

(This blog post is dedicated to my free-thinking and spiritual Libertarian brother, Phil Walker, who continues to help me see that there is always two sides to every issue...and that even the Teabaggers should be heard, whether I agree with them or not.)

A new way forward...

Over dinner last night, my spiritual brother, Phil, said something to me that really got my attention: "Why do you believe that your romantic relationships have to involve struggle?" followed by another deep punch to the solar plexus: "Why can't they be joyful and easy with a lot of flow, like most of your friendships?" Talk about stopping me cold.

These are big, really big insights, and go straight to my core beliefs. Yeah, why do my relationships seem to have some big element of struggle in them, whether it is geographical distance, different values, neediness, criticism, etc? Most of my close friendships don't feel difficult nor do my family relationships. So why would I choose lovers where struggle, in some way, is a major element?

I take full responsibility for my life and the romantic choices I have made. I have been naive sometimes by choosing either needy or emotionally-distant partners, giving a lot but not taking the best care of my deepest needs. As an endurance athlete, former Catholic, and serial entrepreneur, maybe I have come to expect struggle and keep unconsciously keep creating it, to feel alive and/or protect my heart. My business partner reminds me that I lost my sister when I was 5 and maybe associate loving someone with struggle and loss. I need to investigate this more, dig deeper, laugh at myself, and see what I discover...

But I do know this: I can choose again. I am ready to allow into my life a relationship where I feel as much love as I put out in the world...in all ways: spiritually, emotionally, intellectually, and physically. A relationship that feels very very good.

Last night, I came across a description of a relationship that really warmed my soul:

This couple is interested in nurturing others as well as helping one another to be better, more comfortable with themselves, and more at peace. They tend to be optimistic and to reframe disappointments in the most positive way possible. This pairing has an outstanding warm, kindly, and good-natured quality about it that each side reinforces. This is a very mellow couple, whose emphasis on hospitality reminds people of how healing it is to be around loving, generous people.

The words nurturing, helping, peace, warm, good-natured and mellow really speak to me. This type of relationship is what I choose to create. Amen.

Digging through "family stuff" to create more love

We all have “family stuff” but some have more than their fair share. Witness my friend Paul, who have I known for 23 years. He comes from a family of Hungarian Jews who barely escaped the Holocaust and, then 10 years later, sneaked across the border to the West during the height of the Cold War. His dad became a very driven, uber-successful Wall Street stockbroker while his mom ended up being an equally accomplished physician. Paul’s older brother – a near genius with perfect SAT scores – passed away of AIDS, in his 30s, leaving Paul alone to deal with some very large personalities, his parents’ considerable grief and often suffocating expectations.

How did Paul deal with all this craziness? He did what any smart kid would do: he ran away to the West Coast, three big time zones from his family. Yet Paul’s dad found him, calling every Sunday morning in his controlling way. Realizing that this strategy wasn’t working, Paul got smart: rolling up his sleeves, he got down to work…on himself. He found a shrink, looked honestly and critically at his family dynamics and his role in it, started setting strong boundaries with his parents, allowed himself to grieve his brother’s passing, and identified the qualities in a he wanted in a partner, and dated until he met his wonderful wife, Kristi, in his 40s. This process took many years, requiring lots of perseverance and energy. But it worked in the end.

The above photo, from this summer, is a picture of Paul, his father a few days away from death, and Paul’s 5-month-old son. Three generations together, happily, because he had the courage to do the work necessary to face life, heal, and love.

My friend encourages LGBT people to stand tall and stop giving away their power to the forces of fear

Read this thoughtful and muscular response from another spiritual brother, Daniel Foster, to my Tuesday night posting about our loss in Maine:

Anger is also important and key to the fight - and has its rightful place.

I keep coming back to Bishop Spong's recent manifesto. Read it here.

There are intractable religious elements that will never be convinced. The only response then is strength and focus on one's innate value - which can be a challenge for members of our community as we've been continually marginalized, often by our own families, which is culture's ultimate foundation (or should be). And once you have / know your value - you have absolutely everything.

Hear! Hear! Like Daniel and Bishop Spong, I am tired of tip-toeing around crazy bigots, being nice, and politely responding to their crazy accusations. No more. Daniel is talking about channeling our anger to be used in a constructive way: to take right action and speak the truth in a non-apologetic way.

Just as this Dabble Post blog post states, it is time for us to take the initiative, set the terms for the narrative on this debate, and respond strong and truthfully to the Right's outlandish lies and fear tactics. And take one more step: go on the offensive and battle gay marriage opponents on their own ground, before they inevitably attack us. As any good coach knows, the best defense is often a good offense. It is time to stand tall and not give away our power or rights to anyone. Placating crazy people never works; a firm "no" is the most appropriate and compassionate response.

The highway to hell: "Me, My, and I"

In this excerpt from Maureen Dowd's column, today, she talks about Rush Limbaugh and a dinner she had with him a few years back. I think her observations are telling:

Years ago, when I dubbed Dubya “The Boy Emperor,” Limbaugh spewed a stream of personal invective about me that embarrassed even my mother, a Limbaugh fan.

But now Limbaugh calls Obama the “man-child president.”

The 48-year-old Obama is skinny and getting skinnier, but there’s nothing childish about him. He more or less raised himself and came to terms with his Oedipal demons on his own, and he radiates a hard-won maturity.

W., on the other hand, was like a kid who knew that Daddy’s friends would take care of him; he was always running off to the gym or going biking, leaving the governing to his regents, Cheney and Rummy, or incompetents like Brownie.

At our long-ago dinner, Limbaugh credited his success with being “one-dimensional.” “I’m totally concerned with me,” he said. And that was way before he got a contract for $400 million, so we can only imagine how one-dimensional he is now.

But on Sunday, he ripped the president for having “an out-of-this-world ego,” for being “very narcissistic,” “immature, inexperienced, in over his head.” (Isn’t immaturity scoring OxyContin from your maid?)

It gives new meaning to pot, kettle and black.

Note these words: "Limbaugh credited his success with being 'one-dimensional.' 'I’m totally concerned with me.'" Revealing. The one thing that I have learned from all the spiritual paths that I have studied is that those people who are unhappiest have three favorite words: Me, My and I. Overly self-concerned and not self-aware. Even with his millions and millions, does Rush look like a happy man? His actions speak for themselves and his suffering is obvious. Forgetting his politics and divisiveness for a minute, I actually have compassion for him. Narcissism is the opposite of love and unity.

We lost tonight in Maine but we will win

Right now, part of me is seething in anger at the conservatives, "Christian" church-goers, and older people who voted against marriage equality in Maine. Like a wronged teenage boy, this part of me wants to yell at them, scold them with the U.S. Constitution and Bible, and take away their marriages and rights to show them how we feel tonight. My heart tightens when I think about the thousands of Maine LGBT families that will be affected by this election, with some children going to bed tonight worried that they may be taken away from their parents (as happened in CA, with my gay friends' adopted kids, after Prop.8 passed). The thought of this makes me SO FRICKING MAD I can barely stand it...

...yet I will stand it and pause. Because a larger part of me is serene and resolute, like Nelson Mandela was when he imprisoned, and apartheid seemed permanent and impenetrable to most of the world. But like us, he knew his moment would come -- maybe in 2 years or 20 -- because he stood for justice, which is code for LOVE. It is that simple. And Love is ultimately stronger than fear, no matter how dark the clouds seem at the time. Above it all, Love is shining bright, clear and powerful...and more than willing to warm us, when we are ready. Our day will come, sooner than we can imagine on this long night. This I know.

Finding common ground in today's media circus

Fairly, Jon Stewart rips Fox News for being totally partisan, MSNBC for being mostly partisan and the Obama administration for being very naive. I love his style. I am concerned about the polarization of news channels because it makes for a more divisive country where people don't hear and understand the other viewpoint. In short, these highly partisan new channels create a circus-like atmosphere that's high on entertainment value but low on finding common ground on society's critical issues. This trend is not good for democracy. Click here for the video

(BTW, one of my friends asks what do my political interests, like this clip above, have to do with family and my desire to be a sperm donor/mentor? Fair question and here is my response:

From my family, I have inherited a passion for social justice, the overall well-being of society, and the importance of family. I was brought up with "Profiles in Courage" by John F. Kennedy on our family coffee table and was instilled with those ideals. Politics and public service were never just an abstract intellectual subject for my family as it is for some; instead, we've tended to jump into things in order to make this world a better place: my great-grandfather tried to unionize Spanish coal miners (was forced out of the country at gunpoint), my great-uncle was one of the first Hispanic lawmakers in the New Mexico Senate, my dad spoke out against segregation in the early 1960s and went on to serve on several school boards, and my mom recruited the first classes for Head Start by going door-to-door to reach the rural poor in Illinois. Most importantly, my ancestors brought this same level of passion and attention to their children, honoring and encouraging them.

I want Jason and any other kids I have/or mentor to grow up in a better world, where good health care and education are basic rights for all, not just privileges for the rich. I want a world where they can prosper as well as live in a socially responsible way. I want them to get angry and organize for change when they come across injustice or discrimination, like I have done for LGBT rights since 1981. This is part of my passion and who I am. For me, politics is personal, reveals our love or fear, and is about the welfare of all beings, especially the children.)

Coming out: Why I want to be a known donor? What are my dreams for the next quarter century?

Close friends can push us to be better people, and mine are no exception. Yesterday, my friend Richard challenged me to blog about why I really want to be a known donor, especially at this stage of my life. What are the emotional reasons beneath this important decision and my considerable efforts to become one? I resisted his line of questioning at first, but then I realized I was holding back (emotionally) on the readers of this blog because I didn’t want to risk being misunderstood by prospective moms or be quite so vulnerable on the WWW. I realize now that I need push through these fears in order to be truly seen and understood…so here goes:

In six months I will turn 50, completing the 2nd quarter century of my life. I have accomplished much during this time, and more importantly, have become more self-aware, so I am able to show up more fully in my life, give with both hands and be less self-oriented. In short, I better understand who I am, my gifts and shadow side. These twenty-five years have been an “E” ticket, as they say in Disneyland speak, with plenty of highs and some bitter lows. And in looking at the upcoming 3rd quarter of my life, my intention is to realize some of the following heartfelt dreams:

o Deepen the meaningful work I do for a living, with people and organizations who are breaking new ground or doing good or both. Being of use in every way I can be. And in the process, making a good living to fund my daily life, travel, retirement, and things I truly care about. In this area, I want to finish strong, giving my best effort to work, because I love it.

o Marry and live with a man who I LOVE being with. It is easy between us, and we share so much joy and warmth. Someone who shows up consistently, embodies his spiritual practice, and is both kind and courageous. An imperfect man with an open (or opening) heart, an easy smile, and family values. Someone who is excited about partnering with me on my next intention…

o Create a larger extended "family", by fathering and mentoring children as well as connecting with their moms (and partners and families). The additions of these people to my already rich tapestry of relationships – my brother and parents, Jason (my mentoree), friends and business collegues -- would be a dream come true.

I must admit that I hesitate to say all this here because I don’t want my dreams to be parsed or critiqued...they are too personal. On a spiritual level, I know that I have everything I need right now. That I am perfect the way I am now, "with a little room for improvement", as Suzuki-Roshi used to say. Yet, these are the dreams that I am moving towards, step-by-step, while enjoying this present moment just as it is.

Most importantly, I simply enjoy being with kids, full stop. Kids seem to enjoy me, especially my delight in seeing them, my silly and "bart simpson" sides, and my consistency in showing up. All of this comes easy and natural for me. Kids keep me young, vital, and light-hearted, and they, in turn, tend to draw on my masculine energy, love, and deep joy for life. We cheer each other on, witnessing and encouraging one another – through good times and bad. I did this with Jason for fourteen years, and I got the desire, energy, and the balls to do it again. I want to share these kids and their love with my partner, biological family, friends and others, so everyone benefits! The more joy, the better.

I am so blessed to descend from two large, amazing Spanish-American families who have ingenuity, health, curiosity, concern for others, and love in great abundance. I am the heir to these qualities and values, and want to pass on these genes and traits to children, making the world a better place in my own small way. I want to enrich my life and those of others. I want to deepen my ability to love and be loved. These are the dreams and intentions that are straight from the heart of this joe in san francisco.

P.S. It is hard communicate into words everything that I feel so deeply about, but this entry is a start. Maybe a movie that fills in the some of the gaps is "Best of Youth,". To me, this Italian movie is like a long Buddhist story, with many powerful lessons, moments of grace, and compelling characters. And as the main character of the movie says, despite all the suffering, "life is beautiful."