Porn in a sperm bank. Is this a bad thing?

From today's Good Feed blog:

Presumably, the August centerfold photo of Hustler has made a lot of men happy. But should it help give birth to children? A British think tank thinks not.

202health.org, a grassroots health and technology organization, has lashed out against British fertility clinics for offering porn to their clients. Their latest report states that, for one thing, porn scars the women working in clinics because “pornography strips women of full human status and reduces them to sex objects. It gives permission to its consumers to treat women as they’re treated in porn. And the reality of porn today is that it increasingly uses younger girls and is more violent and extreme.”

Porn certainly objectifies women, but it’s not as if the clinics force the receptionists and nurses to flip through Playboy, nor do they screen porn on their waiting room TVs (though I’ve yet to attend a fertility clinic, so maybe they do?).

Beyond the employees, porn apparently also warps the clients who use the porn to test their fertility. The report reads, “To do this at a time when men are particularly vulnerable, already facing the emotional and physical pressures of infertility, is inexcusable.” However, it’s probably the most effective way of helping a man determine if he can start a family of his own. Testing fertility may be the most practical, even moral, application of pornography.

The only problem I can see with porn in a fertility clinic is six years later, when the child asks, “Where do I come from?” The dad might have to reach for his Hustler.

And my response:

This is another side to this issue. Having "provided" a sperm sample for a fertility clinic in the past, I can appreciate porn, in this situation, because a man needs all the encouragement he can get. I don’t think a woman can imagine what is like to come into a sperm bank and be led into a small and cold donation room, be given a cup for your “specimen,” expected to become aroused on cue, ejaculate all of it into that tiny cup, and do all this quietly -- in a sterile, medical environment. To the good folks at 202health.org, have some compassion for the male sexual psyche and functioning. We are NOT just sperm-producing robots! LOL/Joe

"10 ways to have a baby"

(This article captures the many things I have heard from my friends who are trying to conceive.)

by Doree Shafrir
the Daily Beast

From embryo adoption to sperm washing, making a baby is easier—and more complicated—than ever.

Today's birth announcements come in all shapes and sizes. "Steve and Michael are Preggers!" "Sally, Maria, and Sebastian are Having Twins!" "It's an Adopted Frozen Embryo!"

We live in an age when the obsession with having a child has reached a fever pitch. Single men and women, and couples gay and straight, have more options than ever before—and they're taking advantage of every single one of them.

The $4 billion fertility industry has couples going to untold lengths to conceive, and has pushed pregnancy toward the realm of science fiction. People are adopting embryos that would have otherwise been used for stem-cell research, and HIV-infected sperm is being washed clean so it can fertilize an egg. (Whose egg? Maybe the 50-something single lesbian's.) There are sperm banks

Sperm banks are offering discounts to soldiers who want to store their sperm for their wives to impregnate themselves with in case they die overseas. And more and more often, close family members are acting as surrogates.

With the art of baby-making going from surrealist to abstract, The Daily Beast talked to couples (and singles) whose paths to parenthood were circuitous, but perhaps all the more touching for the length of the journey.

For more of the story

Anonymous Sperm and Egg Donors And What To Do About Them

A thoughtful piece by Julie Shapiro in her blog and the reaction to it. Intelligent people will have different points of view. Well worth reading: http://bit.ly/1blKxQ

In the UK, lesbian partners to be named on birth certificates

Monday 31 August 2009 15.51 BST

From the guardian.co.uk:

Lesbian couples having children through fertility treatment granted same birth certificate rights as heterosexual couples. Lesbian couples who have children through fertility treatment can now register both their names on the birth certificate, following a change in the law.

The change, which applies to couples in England and Wales beginning fertility treatment on or after 6 April 2009, confers legal parenthood on a biological mother's female partner for the first time.

The Human Fertilisation and Embryology Act 2008 granted lesbian couples equal rights as parents. The new regulations on the registration of births and deaths came into force today, although no child covered by the change will have been born yet.

Lord Brett, the Home Office minister, said: "This positive change means that, for the first time, female couples who have a child using fertility treatment have the same rights as their heterosexual counterparts to be shown as parents in the birth registration. It is vital that we afford equality wherever we can in society, especially as family circumstances continue to change. This is an important step forward in that process."

The Home Office said birth certificates would be made available with two "parent" sections, rather than mother and father.

Ruth Hunt, the head of policy and research of the lesbian, gay and bisexual group Stonewall, said life for lesbian families would become fairer and easier.

"As the law improves to provide further equality, knowing your new rights will help people make full use of the services they're entitled to," she said. "And, if discrimination occurs, the same knowledge can help them demand fair treatment. Now lesbian couples in the UK who make a considered decision to start a loving family will finally be afforded equal access to services they help fund as taxpayers."

Critics said the change in the law was a blow against the traditional family model.

"If we want to build a stable society, a mother and father and children works as the best model," the Conservative MP Nadine Dorries told the BBC. "We should be striving towards repairing and reinforcing marriage. I think this move sends out the exact opposite message."

Geraldine Smith, a Labour MP, agreed: "To have a birth certificate with two mothers and no father is just madness."

The Human Fertilisation and Embryology Authority said 728 lesbians underwent IVF treatment between 1999 and 2006.

I discovered some co-parenting sites tonight

Since there are not many sites matching known sperm donors with women, I am having to look for related sites, including co-parenting ones. Tonight, through Google, I found two co-parenting sites that were helpful to me, especially as a gay known donor.

http://www.co-parentmatch.com This is a UK-based site that lists co-parents as well as known donors, including those in the United States.

http://co-parentsearch.blogspot.com This is the personal blog of a gay man who is looking to co-parent with woman. Nicely edited with lots of helpful information. I had to smile when I came across it, because he is doing something similar to me, but as a potential co-parent. Good for him.

Its a messy & wonderful world out there

I placed a number of blog posts on sperm donor-related Yahoo groups yesterday and got a taste of the craziness that is out there around fertility issues, moms and sperm donors. WOW! First, I got a unsolicited, hectoring email from a man who questioned my motives for wanting to be a known donor (insinuating -- to make children "gay"), had judgments about my sexual orientation, and asked inappropriate things about my little brother. Jarring. Later, I read several posts by man who railed against AI, claiming that this procedure was an attack on his reproductive rights as a man. Another deluded loon!

However, I did come across some good people. One is a known donor named Trent from Northern California, http://trentdonor.com. This seemingly wholesome, religious, 20-something guy is providing free sperm via AI to several women at once and has been involved in many pregnancies. Moreover, he has highly structured his life to be a regular font of sperm donations:). I find it a bit odd that a young male would devote so much of his time to being a sperm donor, versus partying and dating. But then again, I am sure some people will find it odd that a 40-something gay man would like to be a known donor for a lesbian mom. So I am not judging him or his motives. I have more modest goals, to be a known donor to a child or two and act a steady and loving male presence in the life of child. Yes, it is a big messy world out there with some very good, big-hearted people.

A little encouragement from the Universe

Recently, a twice-ex of mine (a l-o-n-g story) who is a very close friend, took me with him to summer afternoon party full of gay known donors, lesbian moms, about 30 of their kids and a clown :), at the Rainbow Health Service clinic in Alameda, CA, to celebrate all the wonderful children created by the world's first and only sperm bank catering to gays and lesbians. Unfortunately for me, I found out about this service about one year too late, because of the charismatic owner of this service, Leland, is shutting down the sperm bank part of the clinic and will be focusing solely on artificial insemination services going forward.

However, my ex, who had four children through this service, was introducing me around to the moms, hoping that one of them wanted another child and I might become their know donor. I laughed and teased him that he is my donor pimp. While no one was trying to conceive then, so many of these women encouraged me to do this, telling me that they would have loved to have met someone like myself when they were trying to get pregnant. So I gave out my card to several women who thought they might know someone was trying to conceive. No replies yet...but it's all good.

For whatever reason, I tend to be a magnet with kids and at this party I was swarmed as usual. I just had a ball pushing many of the little guys and gals on the swing, playing tag with them, and generally goofing around. My ex had two of his four kids there. (See two of his darling girls above, who are 1/2 sisters, coming from different moms and families.) At the end of the day, I was tuckered out by the young ones but felt so alive, contented, and so encouraged to become a known donor for a lesbian family.

Most of all, I feel like I was given a lot of love as kid, from my parents, grandparents, and other relatives including my swarthy and sometimes rough, Spanish-American uncles who used to squeeze and toss me in the air. I am the heir to all this love and attention, and just want to pass it onto kids and encourage them as they grow up. As I have done with Jason for all these years and as I will continue to do as he grows older.

Starting this blog as a way of becoming a known donor...

Here we go!!! A good friend suggested that I blog about my intention of becoming a known donor as a way to chronicle my journey as well as get the word out to the right lesbian or couple. So here I am, at 11:45PM on a Monday night, working on the blog layout, adjusting colors and type, and being generally compulsive (hehe) as I plunge into a new project. This feels like a good and deliberate way of moving ahead on this, and reflects all the preparation I have done over last 18 months (more about this in a future post). This blog is just one of the ways I am publicizing my intentions.

As a guy who has been increasingly interested in the Buddhist path, I want to do my best to become a known donor without getting to attached to a result or particular idea on how all of this is suppose unfold or look. In short, showing and doing my best, enjoying the journey, and staying to true my intention of being a good mentor for a child. I will end here and go to bed, having initiated my first blog post. This is a start.

(This picture is set at a Buddhist temple in Vietnam on a motorcycle trip I did up the coast, from Saigon to Hanoi. One of my favorite experiences in life, riding by rice paddies in flip-flops, shorts, a thin t-shirt and aviator sunglasses on warm and rainy days.)