Essayist Roger Rosenblatt learns to appreciate the power of kindness through the pain of loss

I have loved Roger's essays over the years, for their beauty and eloquence. In the last few years, he lost his beloved thirty-something daughter to a sudden heart attack and talks about his journey since then.

Maybe the most profound thing he talks about is the virtue of kindness, how it is even more important than being smart. I find his words on kindness to be encouraging because part of me has been embarrassed by my kindness, incorrectly feeling that is more of a womanly trait. Something soft and wimpy. Instead, he argues that being kind is special. I am going to let his words sink in, reflect on this and honor my kindness.

From interview with shelf-awareness.com:

We greatly enjoyed Making Toast, although "enjoyed" is not quite the right word. We were moved by the book, and appreciated its spare style. How did you find your voice for this remembrance? How did you avoid sentimentality? Making Toast seems to be remarkably un-clichéd.

I often write nonfiction this way; in this case, finding an inverse proportion of fancy writing to the importance of the subject. If you have the goods, there is no point in dressing it up, no need to get fancy, to create a subject out of language itself. The story itself brings readers to their knees. I was compelled to write simply and directly.

At what point did you decide to write about your daughter's death, and why? Why share it?

I wanted to share it to be useful. I didn't initially intend to make it into a book. I wrote a New Yorker essay to get it out of my system; it was the only way I knew to feel better. The editor, David Remnick, said the piece was wise and urged me to write more. He also said, "When you write this, write with more grace than pain." If you write only from pain, you write standing on your feet rather than on your knees.

You say that you had grown weary of your anger. How do you feel now?

The holiday season is a crummy season for my family, so the anger is greater right now. It flared up in December when we went to the cemetery. The anger goes up and down. It's futile to be angry at God--the God I believe in doesn't care. He set the world in motion and left it. But his not caring became a personal affront to me.

Where are you in your role of not quite grandparent, not quite parent? Are you and Ginny still part of the household?

We are, and it's now been two years. We know what we are doing--it's no longer a role, it's our life. It's very easy.

What has stayed with you? Any words of wisdom?

Yes. Life--get on with it. And I am kinder as a person, more alert to the feelings of others. I can use my wit liberally, but am more careful with it now. I'm more aware of the fragility of life, and want to make sure that the last word anyone hears from me is kind. Being smart is not special; being kind is. Everything has been a gift.

--Roger Rosenblatt being interview by Shelf-awareness.com

David Brooks recognizes Obama's leadership at the health care summit

I don't often agree with his policy recommendations, but David Brooks, a thoughtful conservative, today acknowledges Obama's leadership at the health care summit. The tea baggers and birthers don't like David, but that is a good thing. Read his op-ed here.

How to live

Today

--Word carved on a stone on John Ruskin's desk

Does the GOP really want health care reform? We will soon find out if their actions match their words. See this clip from Jon Stewart.

Feeling more and more

We bump up against the fact of change and impermanence as soon as we acknowledge our feelings or needs for others. Basically, we all tend to go in one of two directions as a strategy for coping with that vulnerability. We either go in the direction of control or of autonomy. If we go for control, we may be saying: “If only I can get the other person or my friends or family to treat me the way I want, then I’ll be able to feel safe and secure. If only I had a guarantee that they’ll give me what I need, then I wouldn’t have to face uncertainty.” With this strategy, we get invested in the control and manipulation of others and in trying to use people as antidotes to our own anxiety.

With the strategy (or curative fantasy) of autonomy, we go in the opposite direction and try to imagine that we don’t need anyone. But that strategy inevitably entails repression or dissociation, a denial of feeling. We may imagine that through spiritual practice we will get to a place where we won’t feel need, sexuality, anger, or dependency. Then, we imagine, we won’t be so tied into the vicissitudes of relationships. We try to squelch our feelings in order not to be vulnerable anymore, and we rationalize that dissociation under the lofty and spiritual-sounding word “detachment,” which ends up carrying a great deal of unacknowledged emotional baggage alongside its original, simpler meaning as the acceptance of impermanence.

We have to get to know and be honest about our particular strategies for dealing with vulnerability, and learn to use our practice to allow ourselves to experience more of that vulnerability rather than less of it. To open yourself up to need, longing, dependency, and reliance on others means opening yourself to the truth that none of us can do this on our own. We really do need each other, just as we need parents and teachers. We need all those people in our lives who make us feel so uncertain. Our practice is not about finally getting to a place where we are going to escape all that but about creating a container that allows us to be more and more human, to feel more and more.

--Barry Magid, "No Gain," Tricycle Summer 2008

A fitting end for the "George W." decade: Hummer to close

Militaristic, inflated, and profligate are great descriptors of government and business during the George W. Bush era. These are also appropriate words for the Hummer brand, adult-sized military-style toys for, what many have suggested, men with big egos and small other things. Today, GM announced it is closing down the brand because nobody is interested in buying it...even the Chinese backed out of a potential deal.

Maybe America is growing up and returning to values of ingenuity, collaboration, hard work, community and creating real value.

A straight ally for LGBT equality from my alma mater, University of Maryland

Read about this smart, courageous and handsome student athlete from University of Maryland. He makes me proud to be a fellow Terp (short for a terrapin, a type of turtle). Click here.

CPAC, The Tea Party And The Remaking Of The Right...on "Fresh Air"

Listen to this informative discussion about the confluence of forces bringing together conservatives, the tea baggers, and other extremists. God help this country.

Jon Stewart exposes Glenn Beck

Simple but wise words

Yes and thank you are the opposites of selfishness.
The ego can only be erased through happiness and gratitude.

--Arnaud Desjardins