11/30/09

The middle way

The Buddha discovered what he called the Middle Way, a way not based on an aversion to the world, nor an attachment, but a way based on inclusion and compassion. The Middle Way rests at the centre of all things, the one great seat in the centre of the world.

-- Jack Kornfield

11/29/09

What would Harvey Milk would say to America now

Another thoughtful article by Michael A. Jones, a human rights activist. Here is an excerpt:

One simple guess as to what Milk would say today, that doesn't differ at all from what Milk said during the last summer of his life in 1978 as he was fighting an anti-gay ballot initiative in California, is that gay people won't win any demands for equal rights so long as they stay hidden.

'Gay people, we will not win our rights by staying silently in our closets...We are coming out. We are coming out to fight the lies, the myths, the distortions. We are coming out to tell the truths about gays, for I am tired of the conspiracy of silence, so I'm going to talk about it. And I want you to talk about it,' Milk said.

That's pretty sage advice. If nobody knows that we're out there, they won't know that we deserve equal rights. And if nobody knows we're out there, then the other side's lies, distortions and myths about sexual orientation continue to gain influence.


Harvey and James are right: we need to continue to living our lives freely and courageously, not just in the Castro or Chelsea, but in Columbus and Charleston for all to see. We need to have those difficult conversations with relatives who don't know about our sexuality. We need to be ourselves, nothing more or less.

11/28/09

Leaves of grass

Last night I watched a powerful PBS "American Experience" TV show on Walt Whitman and was so moved by his artistry, spirituality, sensuality, and humanity. While being one eccentric and slightly crazy person, he was a keen observer and admirer of the physical world (bodies, plants, the breeze, etc.) with an master's ability to capture their beauty through words.

I remember reading his life's work, "Leaves of Grass", in college but not being worldly, present or wise enough yet to truly grasp his insights. However, I can today. One of the unusual things about Whitman is that he imagined us, and wanted to communicate not just with his contemporaries but with future generations of readers who would be sharing much of the same life experiences that he did. I love his ability to project forward and this points to belief in the interconnectedness of humans and our experience. Whitman was also a compassionate humanistic who volunteered and tended to the wounded soldiers of the Civil War. As the Buddha encouraged us to do, he looked directly at the suffering of the world -- not averting his eyes or running from it -- and was transformed by it.

Until last night, I didn't realize that were seven editions of Leaves, with significant changes from one to another in the first five. And it goes without saying that Walt was a proud gay man who a century before his time.

Whitman and his work are a good reminder for me today to enjoy the physical experience of being alive as I tend the garden, exercise and do yoga, cook, and feel my own primitive power. I am inspired...

11/27/09

Gratitude for the people in my life

During the past week, I've had the chance to spend time with or phone/skype/email/text some of the people I love most. I feel so filled with joy and gratitude, content, and open to more.

11/26/09

Giving thanks on this special day

About nine years ago, I was thoroughly depressed and angry after my start-up companies failed and I was left with nothing financially, in spite of my efforts. In order to help heal myself and get through those times, I started saying a prayer of thanks for three things at the end of every day. Gratitude works from my experience. Since today is all about giving thanks, I am going to up the ante, giving three times my normal thanks. So here goes:

1. Thankful to be alive and embodied as a human being, capable of giving and receiving love, and being a powerful being who is capable of co-creating this "movie" of life as I go along.
2. Thankful for the people in my life for unconditionally seeing and accepting me, including my family (including Jason), long-time friends, and new/renewed friends like Phil, Barry, Richard, ChangFu,and Mut. These beings make all the difference.
3. Thankful to the wonderful new women in my life and the special projects we are working on together.
4. Thankful for my spiritual practice, teachers, fellow students and Zen Buddhist tradition.
5. Thankful for being healthy, strong, and being physically vital in this garden of earthly delights
6. Thankful for the meaningful work I do in being of use to others and doing this with a wonderful and high-minded business partner.
7. Thankful for all the love I inherited from my ancestors who had the generosity and courage to love me completely.
8. Thankful for having a President who believes in the power of love and the dignity of all people, despite his human errors and mistakes.
9. Thankful for San Francisco, my home, and for dark chocolate and the daily grace and pleasure it brings to my life.

11/25/09

Obama writes about real American values...of love, family, hard work, community, diversity, service, perseverance, patriotism, and gratitude

Below is Obama's Thanksgiving proclamation to the nation. One may disagree with his policies and judgment but I challenge you to disagree with his values and to criticize the way he lives his life and raises a family. In my opinion, Obama believes in love and is a uniter, not a divider, always willing to hear the other side even though most Conservatives aren't willing to listen or compromise with him. Despite all noise from the teabaggers and the Fox faux news-entertainment channel, this is a president who truly cares about all of us.

Tomorrow, Thanksgiving Day, Americans across the country will sit down together, count our blessings, and give thanks for our families and our loved ones.

American families reflect the diversity of this great nation. No two are exactly alike, but there is a common thread they each share.

Our families are bound together through times of joy and times of grief. They shape us, support us, instill the values that guide us as individuals, and make possible all that we achieve.

So tomorrow, I'll be giving thanks for my family -- for all the wisdom, support, and love they have brought into my life.

But tomorrow is also a day to remember those who cannot sit down to break bread with those they love.

The soldier overseas holding down a lonely post and missing his kids. The sailor who left her home to serve a higher calling. The folks who must spend tomorrow apart from their families to work a second job, so they can keep food on the table or send a child to school.

We are grateful beyond words for the service and hard work of so many Americans who make our country great through their sacrifice. And this year, we know that far too many face a daily struggle that puts the comfort and security we all deserve painfully out of reach.

So when we gather tomorrow, let us also use the occasion to renew our commitment to building a more peaceful and prosperous future that every American family can enjoy.
It seems like a lifetime ago that a crowd met on a frigid February morning in Springfield, Illinois to set out on an improbable course to change our nation.

In the years since, Michelle and I have been blessed with the support and friendship of the millions of Americans who have come together to form this ongoing movement for change.

You have been there through victories and setbacks. You have given of yourselves beyond measure. You have enabled all that we have accomplished -- and you have had the courage to dream yet bigger dreams for what we can still achieve.

So in this season of thanks giving, I want to take a moment to express my gratitude to you, and my anticipation of the brighter future we are creating together.

With warmest wishes for a happy holiday season from my family to yours,


--President Barack Obama

Finding Patience

Sent by my friend Richard:

Many of us try to do so many things at once that there is no space for serenity. We wonder why we are unhappy, why we feel alienated. We just need to remember to practice relaxing into our life, in all its joys and sorrows, and to relinquish the need to know what’s going to happen next.

--Michele McDonald

Why we will never stop fighting homophobia

From Towleroad.com:

Footage from the funeral of gay 19-year-old Jorge Steven Lopez Mercado whose decapitated, dismembered, and partially charred body was found by the side of a road in Puerto Rico two weeks ago. The police investigator suggested that he deserved what he got because of the "type of lifestyle" he was leading.

Certainly, a family who accepts us for who we are is something to be very thankful for. Unfortunately, Jorge wasn't given the chance to be able to enjoy that. Devastating.



11/24/09

The mind is the key

It is our mind, and that alone, that chains us or sets us free.

--Dilgo Khyentse Rinpoche

11/23/09

The joys of being Joe...

...including the meaningful work I do, the warmth of love and my family and friends, the beauty of the world, feeling physically able and fit, my garden, my spiritual practice (including last night's meditation and this morning's rigorous yoga class), and shopping late night and horsing-around at Trader Joe's with a good friend.

11/22/09

The simple pleasures of being in my body

Cycled 30 miles today at a good pace -- not too fast and not too slow. In the warm Arizona sun with a light breeze. Experienced the sensations of riding a bike, with a near meditation-like level of awareness. After two hours of riding, it felt good to walk a mile, eat, rest and experience endorphins in my bloodstream. Amen.

11/21/09

Where the Wild Things Are

Our family film for this Thanksgiving. A journey into a boy's psyche on one angry and emotional night. It is so important for men and boys to find ways to express their anger without hurting themselves and others. I could totally relate to Max and his fear of change. I wish I had been more emotionally honest and unfiltered when I was a boy...I had a lot of sorrow and rage bottled up inside that needed some form of expression. Most of it is expressed now but I am sure that there is some which lingers.

Remembering Kauai

Just got this picture from Nick of our trip in October. We have been friends since 1987. He is such a mensch.

Enjoying the warm embrace of family in Arizona

I am typing this from my parents' family room, with my dad watching the Ohio State vs. Michigan college football game and my mom cooking an early Thanksgiving dinner within earshot. All three of us are relaxed and connected on this sunny Saturday afternoon in the desert, where we intermitteningly comment on various family members (including my neo-con uncle), world news and politics (the cowardly Joe Lieberman), our fitness and nutrition routines (running with shorter strides), and Project Runway (highlights from the finale). It feels good giving and receiving love so effortlessly. Material things are great, but nothing beats being accepted and appreciated for who I am...rough edges and all.

11/20/09

Supreme Court Scalia: an intellect in service to condoning discrimination, not to providing justice

It is sad that this Supreme Court Justice misuses his keen intellect to argue for a fundamentalist interpretation of the Constitution, called "originalism", and against the civil rights for gay Americans. His malice and prejudice against gay people blinds him in dispensing justice. Here is his latest shot at LGBT people, in a lecture at Ohio State University this week:

“My burden is not to show that originalism is perfect but to show that it beats the other available alternatives. Did any provision of the Constitution guarantee a right to abortion? No one thought so for almost two centuries after the founding. Did any provision in the Constitution guarantee a right to homosexual sodomy? Same answer.”

Clearly, intelligence and wisdom are not the same thing. Like anyone who divides humanity (versus unites them), including those past justices who sanctioned slavery, segregation and other forms of discrimination, he will not be remembered as a great justice, just a mean-spirited one.

A friend writes eloquently about his anger and compassion for a murderer...revealing his wisdom

I received this email on Wednesday night:

I need to share something with you, Joe.

I felt so sad today after reading another article in the Chronicle about the guy in Oakland who beat and killed a three year old child and then killed her mother and his girlfriend, to stop them from reporting him to the police. Evidently he had tortured, beat and killed another small child several years ago but wasn't sent to the prison because of some legal technicality. So this was the second small child that he had done this to.

I was thinking about how painful it must have been for them and how fearful those small children must have been as this man did what he did to them. We don't even know all that he did to them. Can you allow yourself to imagine their pain and fear? Kids are so open and trusting at that age. And so beautiful. It must have been awful for them. This realization made me feel so very sad and I stayed with this sadness until it became too painful for me. I was only able to let go of that sad feeling when i thought about how emotionally tortured the guy himself must have been, and probably still is, to be able to do something that cruel to such young and innocent children. What horrors he must have gone through in his mind to be able to do that to them? Surely he is suffering inside. I just can't fathom that he did this because he enjoyed doing it or got any kind of pleasure or boost out of it. He had to be terribly deluded and in extreme pain himself to be able to do that...


My friend's words poignantly touch on the issues raised by the brilliant movie "Precious", which I blogged about earlier this week. Is the perpetrator a victim too? What are the causes of violence and anger? How can we reduce the suffering of all beings?

Make no mistake, I don't believe there is any reason to justify violence and cruelty...especially against children. But unless we have the courage to look deeply into the underlying causes of such suffering -- ours and others, we will be blind, lumping people into "good" and "bad" camps and creating more criminals in the process.

Recently, I came across an inspiring non-profit counseling organization, the Insight Prison Project, that works with San Quentin, bringing together inmates and victims of crime. By better understanding each other, hundreds of people from both sides of this equation have been able to heal, forgive, and live better lives. Some argue that we need to build more prisons and throw people away, but that approach won't work in the long-term. In the end, there is no escaping the spiritual truth that everyone is interconnected and we need to be our brother's (and sister's) keeper and vice versa. There are no shortcuts when it comes to love.

11/18/09

Same-sex parents are as good as anybody else, the latest scientific studies are showing

Science has proved the world isn't flat and it is now disproving the myths about same-sex parenting. Facts are stubbornly good things and even worm their way into the consciousnesses of religious extremists, birthers and tea-baggers. Read this well-written blog post at change.org.

11/17/09

I am so happy for & proud of my "little brother"

Yesterday, I had a long phone call with my "little brother," in the middle of his first semester in college, and am proud of him, as well as so relieved.

You see, three years ago this kid was deeply depressed (dealing with his moms' messy divorce), having problems focusing at school, watching his birth mom explore her gender issues, and spending many nights at home alone. I was so worried about him and did everything I could to ground him and give him the space to express and sort through his difficult feelings. I worried that wasn't enough, and his journey back proved to be a long and challenging climb for both him and me. But we never ever gave up...not for one moment.

All that is paying off now: Jason is getting nearly all A's, working hard at a part-time job three shifts a week, and is enjoying the school and his classmates. Most of all, this kid is engaged, challenged and learning about himself and life. He is dating a couple of people and having fun. I am amazed how easily he is gliding through life, especially given the rockiness of high school years. He is becoming quite a creative and heart-felt young man.

I can even to begin to express here how much love I have for this kid. It gives me goosebumps to type these words. When I got done talking with him yesterday, I want to collapse and cry into ball of joy and relief. I want the very best for him, and feel so blessed to be part of his life. This is what I am grateful for this Thanksgiving!

(The picture above is from late August this year, the day Jason arrived back from working in Spain all summer and four days before he left for college. Of course, he hated the sign and loved the attention all the same.)

11/16/09

"Precious", this year's most important movie

Without reading the advance reviews for "Precious", I went with a friend to see the movie on Saturday night, and am happy to say that it is a big winner. Not only is the acting first rate, the movie shows the innate dignity of society's most oppressed people and their suffering. The movie goes beyond simple formula of "good" and "bad," and delves into mental illness, alienation, and cruelty. The first 40 minutes is not for the faint of heart, and I resisted the temptation to close my eyes or run to the bathroom. Staying with my discomfort.

I like the name of this movie because it speaks to the dignity and value of every person in society, even the most deluded and hate-filled. As the Buddha said, we all have "basic goodness" (in contrast to the "original sin" taught by Christianity), and that comes across here. Everyone is precious, indeed. See this movie: it is important.

I love this cartoon character, Muttley, from my childhood

This lovable canine character, Muttley, reminds me to laugh more...at myself and everything else. He's a bit of everything: loyal, funny, a prankster, and obsequious.

11/15/09

Old Zen lesson that was taught by Suzuki-Roshi: "stand up where you fall down"


When he was alive in the 1960's, Suzuki-Roshi used to teach his students this:

You get up where you fall down. You don't get up someplace else. It's where you fall down that you establish your practice.

The Great Zen Master, Dogen Zenji said, “We fall down by the earth, and we get up by the earth.” Suzuki Roshi commented on this, “A person who falls on the earth, stumbling on a stone, will stand up by means of the same earth they fell on. You complain because you think earth is the problem. Without the earth, you wouldn’t fall, but you wouldn’t stand up either. Falling and standing up are both great aids given to you by the earth. Because of the mother earth you can continue your practice. You are practicing in the zendo of the great earth. Problems are actually your zendo.”

For most of us, some of biggest challenges have the potential to become our greatest blessings, especially if we show up and practice where we "fail". Being nearly 50 years old, I can clearly see the wisdom of this lesson in my own life and experience.

11/14/09

This just in: there are no "bad guys", but lots of fear-driven and deluded people

I find it easy to de-humanize others, especially people we despise, by making them "separate" and "other." I know I have done this at times with Karl Rove, Dick Cheney, and George W.; but I also know that no one is all good or bad. Yet, we need to hold people accountable (including ourselves) for our behavior, which is driven by either love or fear. Tricky, tricky stuff.

November 14, 2009
Tricycle's Daily Dharma


Good Guys and Bad Guys

We all love the struggle between good (us) and evil (them). It is, in its own way, deeply satisfying. Think of the plots of the James Bond films, the Star Wars films, the Indiana Jones films. In such movies, it’s quite obvious who the bad guys are. Caricatures of evil, they are ruthless, maniacal, without remorse, and so they must be stopped by any means necessary. We are meant to feel that it is okay—even, to tell the truth, pleasurable—to see violence inflicted upon them. Because the villains like to hurt people, it’s okay to hurt them. Because they like to kill people, it’s okay to kill them. After all, they are evil, and evil must be destroyed.

What is this kind of story teaching us? That if you really want to hurt someone, it is important to demonize them first—in other words, fit them into your good-versus-evil story. That is why truth is the first casualty of all wars.


- David R. Loy, from “The Nonduality of Good and Evil,” Tricycle, Spring 2002

11/13/09

Tending to my side of the board in close or intimate relationships

Having tea with a long-time friend of mine this late afternoon, in the process of listening to her recent dating experiences, she reminded me about the importance tending to my experience of relating with someone, especially in the early stages of a new relationship. I think it is easy to get caught up in anticipating or analyzing the other person’s actions or words in order to protect one’s self. This approach rarely seems to work.

Maybe the biggest romantic relationship lesson I’ve learned is to be centered in myself. To stay present in my body, noticing how I feel with this new person. Am I relaxed or am I managing the situation in some way? Do I feel a natural physical attraction to him or is this just my mind projecting its wants and desires onto this person?

Because of my meditation practice, I find it is easier to let go of control in all sorts of relationships, including those with work colleagues, family, and friends. Making fewer assumptions about others while noticing my actual experience of them. And since I am less worried about how I am being perceived, I can be more authentic, freely giving the attention, appreciation and affection that arises from my heart.

On the lighter side, watch Jon Stewart respond to Fox's Sean Hannity


Click here for the video. One comedy network responds to another.

11/12/09

As it should, the human cost of war weighing heavily on Obama as he decides on Afghanistan

Reporter James Gordon Meek tells of his chance encounter with Obama, on the President's unscheduled stop at Section 61 of Arlington Cemetery, where fallen soldiers from Afghanistan and Iraq are buried. Described there as "somber and serious", Obama sees for himself the human cost of these wars...as any wise leader should. Or read Mr. Meek's article in the New York Post.

My ex-boyfriend sends this thought-provoking post about sex from a Christian blogger

Byron sent this blog post to me and I found it to be thought-provoking, calling out the difference between intimate sex and casual sex. I am less judgmental than its Jewish Fundamental Christian author, Simon Mapleback, since I have enjoyed both sexual approaches at different times. However, I do favor intimacy that brings me closer to unconditional love...that deep well of mutual acceptance and commitment, as the author describes below:

Raya is the Hebrew word for companionship, and it’s not just like buddies, but it’s this: that I know you and you know me. It’s not that I just know your pretty stuff, but it’s that I know your junk, too. That I have seen the challenging parts of you, you have seen the challenging parts of me, and yet still we’ve decided to try to work on this relationship. So, the foundational element of love and sex for the Hebrew mind and their idea of love, was this word, raya, which means that I know you and you know me and I really know you and you really know me. Raya never occurs on a first date. It never occurs on a second date. Raya can never take place until that first time you watch the person you’re dating do something that makes you go, “Oh, no.” And then, in that moment, raya occurs if you say, “I’m going to keep going.” Now, if you go, “I’m done”, then you’re done. But raya is this getting to know each other in such a way that I know you, all of you, and you know me, all of me. And we continue to walk together. And raya leads into ahava.

Ahava is a love of the will. The best way to explain ahava is this, “I am not going anywhere.” It carries a very assertive tone, and it basically is this: Your spouse, your girlfriend, your boyfriend – is angry with you, and then in that moment of conflict there’s something within that says: “I am not going anywhere.” And so what happens is raya (or me getting to know you and you getting to know me – my good stuff, my bad stuff, your good stuff, your bad stuff) leads to sweet dod.

Dod is not the Hebrew word for sex. It is the Hebrew word for sex when ahava and raya are present. If we have raya and we have ahava, then sex isn’t just two bodies together, it’s two persons. And it’s in there, in that moment that all the intimacy and love that we crave is found.

11/11/09

Love is in the small gestures

One of my prized possessions is this bookmark that Jason, my mentoree/”Little Brother”, made for me when he was 6-years-old. I am not sure if it was from his summer camp or school or what. But the tiny blocks that spell out J-O-E really touch my heart and say it all. The small things people do for one another make all the difference.

11/10/09

On Veterans' Day: a speech to remember

I sense a quietly strong leader is emerging. More in the spirit of Lincoln, JFK and Reagan. Watch and judge for yourself. From yesterday's memorial service in Ft. Hood.

Stop the war...within


Most of us have spent our lives caught up in plans, expectations, ambitions for the future, in regrets, guilt or shame about the past. To come to the present is to stop the war.

-- Jack Kornfield

A small prayer goes a long way

I had dinner tonight with wonderful friend who reminded me of the power of saying a small prayer when facing difficulties or challenges. Nothing big or religious in nature. Just a brief prayer asking the Universe or Higher Power for strength and guidance in dealing with this changing world. As my grandmother used to do on my behalf, at the end of every day. A bit of grace goes a long way, especially during these tumultuous times.

11/9/09

This Wall fell because Reagan was willing to talk with Gorbachev as well as set clear boundaries

As a gay man, it is hard for me to forget that Reagan ignored the AIDS crisis, costing the lives of thousands of my fellow Americans. But no one is all good or bad, I do admire him for his willingness to drop his "evil empire" rhetoric and talk seriously, in good faith, with Gorbachev. Despite severe criticism from the Neo-Cons (the same people who brought us the Iraq war), Reagan's courageous step toward peace led to the fall of the Berlin Wall, the dismantlement of the Soviet Union and a drastic reduction in nuclear arms. Known for being a military hawk, Reagan showed his dovish side and changed our history. Read this interesting article about this by Peter Beinart.

11/8/09

For me, we're coming back, to our highest values

"I want my country back" shout the Teabaggers, and I sure know how they feel. But their leaders and their "Republican/Darwinian/University of Chicago-free market" values ruled for eight very long years. After witnessing the devasting effects of Bush-onomics (huge tax cuts for the top 1%, deregulation and a global financial meltdown), international mis-adventurism (the trumped-up evidence to justify the Iraqi invasion and botched post-war governance of Iraq and Afghanistan), the most egregious assaults on the U.S. Constitution (thanks to the 'pep boys' of Dick Cheney, Karl Rove, and John Woo), and chilling incompetence (Katrina) and corporate cronyism and malfeasance (Haliburton, oil companies and the most of the finance sector), it is our turn to govern and advance this country...as we did, when we created "real" growth in income and jobs during the 1990s.

Something magical happened last night: the People's House of Representatives approved a health care reform package that is going to benefit ALL Americans (even the Tea Baggers) in the same ground-breaking way that Social Security and Medicare did. And it is going to start reforming the most world's effective AND least efficient modern medical system, making it available to more Americans in smarter ways. Sure, there will be problems, bureaucratic screw-ups, and those colorful anecdotes that Conservatives will tell to rally their troops on Fox News. But this is nothing compared the overall good that this bill is going create for America, improving the health coverage and reducing the financial worries of millions of Americans. The fear-mongers are going to claim we are moving toward a British-style medical style, but they will be factually-challenged again (we are moving closer to Switzerland and Holland: regulated but private health care systems).

America is coming back, honoring the Constitution, rebuilding our international relationships and leadership, and getting one step closer to providing affordable health care to nearly all Americans. The Teabaggers will cry and scream, but there have always been people who are fearful of important advances, just like when we abolished slavery, gave women the right to vote, and desegregated the public schools, to name a few. Even the Conservatives of yesteryear, including Reagan, were against the adoption of Social Security and Medicare, today's two most popular and widely-used government programs. But no matter.

Let's celebrate: last night, in the People's house, love triumphed over fear...40 years of effort, starting with Nixon.

(This blog post is dedicated to my free-thinking and spiritual Libertarian brother, Phil Walker, who continues to help me see that there is always two sides to every issue...and that even the Teabaggers should be heard, whether I agree with them or not.)

11/7/09

A new way forward...

Over dinner last night, my spiritual brother, Phil, said something to me that really got my attention: "Why do you believe that your romantic relationships have to involve struggle?" followed by another deep punch to the solar plexus: "Why can't they be joyful and easy with a lot of flow, like most of your friendships?" Talk about stopping me cold.

These are big, really big insights, and go straight to my core beliefs. Yeah, why do my relationships seem to have some big element of struggle in them, whether it is geographical distance, different values, neediness, criticism, etc? Most of my close friendships don't feel difficult nor do my family relationships. So why would I choose lovers where struggle, in some way, is a major element?

I take full responsibility for my life and the romantic choices I have made. I have been naive sometimes by choosing either needy or emotionally-distant partners, giving a lot but not taking the best care of my deepest needs. As an endurance athlete, former Catholic, and serial entrepreneur, maybe I have come to expect struggle and keep unconsciously keep creating it, to feel alive and/or protect my heart. My business partner reminds me that I lost my sister when I was 5 and maybe associate loving someone with struggle and loss. I need to investigate this more, dig deeper, laugh at myself, and see what I discover...

But I do know this: I can choose again. I am ready to allow into my life a relationship where I feel as much love as I put out in the world...in all ways: spiritually, emotionally, intellectually, and physically. A relationship that feels very very good.

Last night, I came across a description of a relationship that really warmed my soul:

This couple is interested in nurturing others as well as helping one another to be better, more comfortable with themselves, and more at peace. They tend to be optimistic and to reframe disappointments in the most positive way possible. This pairing has an outstanding warm, kindly, and good-natured quality about it that each side reinforces. This is a very mellow couple, whose emphasis on hospitality reminds people of how healing it is to be around loving, generous people.

The words nurturing, helping, peace, warm, good-natured and mellow really speak to me. This type of relationship is what I choose to create. Amen.

11/6/09

Digging through "family stuff" to create more love

We all have “family stuff” but some have more than their fair share. Witness my friend Paul, who have I known for 23 years. He comes from a family of Hungarian Jews who barely escaped the Holocaust and, then 10 years later, sneaked across the border to the West during the height of the Cold War. His dad became a very driven, uber-successful Wall Street stockbroker while his mom ended up being an equally accomplished physician. Paul’s older brother – a near genius with perfect SAT scores – passed away of AIDS, in his 30s, leaving Paul alone to deal with some very large personalities, his parents’ considerable grief and often suffocating expectations.

How did Paul deal with all this craziness? He did what any smart kid would do: he ran away to the West Coast, three big time zones from his family. Yet Paul’s dad found him, calling every Sunday morning in his controlling way. Realizing that this strategy wasn’t working, Paul got smart: rolling up his sleeves, he got down to work…on himself. He found a shrink, looked honestly and critically at his family dynamics and his role in it, started setting strong boundaries with his parents, allowed himself to grieve his brother’s passing, and identified the qualities in a he wanted in a partner, and dated until he met his wonderful wife, Kristi, in his 40s. This process took many years, requiring lots of perseverance and energy. But it worked in the end.

The above photo, from this summer, is a picture of Paul, his father a few days away from death, and Paul’s 5-month-old son. Three generations together, happily, because he had the courage to do the work necessary to face life, heal, and love.

11/5/09

My friend encourages LGBT people to stand tall and stop giving away their power to the forces of fear

Read this thoughtful and muscular response from another spiritual brother, Daniel Foster, to my Tuesday night posting about our loss in Maine:

Anger is also important and key to the fight - and has its rightful place.

I keep coming back to Bishop Spong's recent manifesto. Read it here.

There are intractable religious elements that will never be convinced. The only response then is strength and focus on one's innate value - which can be a challenge for members of our community as we've been continually marginalized, often by our own families, which is culture's ultimate foundation (or should be). And once you have / know your value - you have absolutely everything.


Hear! Hear! Like Daniel and Bishop Spong, I am tired of tip-toeing around crazy bigots, being nice, and politely responding to their crazy accusations. No more. Daniel is talking about channeling our anger to be used in a constructive way: to take right action and speak the truth in a non-apologetic way.

Just as this Dabble Post blog post states, it is time for us to take the initiative, set the terms for the narrative on this debate, and respond strong and truthfully to the Right's outlandish lies and fear tactics. And take one more step: go on the offensive and battle gay marriage opponents on their own ground, before they inevitably attack us. As any good coach knows, the best defense is often a good offense. It is time to stand tall and not give away our power or rights to anyone. Placating crazy people never works; a firm "no" is the most appropriate and compassionate response.

11/4/09

The highway to hell: "Me, My, and I"


In this excerpt from Maureen Dowd's column, today, she talks about Rush Limbaugh and a dinner she had with him a few years back. I think her observations are telling:

Years ago, when I dubbed Dubya “The Boy Emperor,” Limbaugh spewed a stream of personal invective about me that embarrassed even my mother, a Limbaugh fan.

But now Limbaugh calls Obama the “man-child president.”

The 48-year-old Obama is skinny and getting skinnier, but there’s nothing childish about him. He more or less raised himself and came to terms with his Oedipal demons on his own, and he radiates a hard-won maturity.

W., on the other hand, was like a kid who knew that Daddy’s friends would take care of him; he was always running off to the gym or going biking, leaving the governing to his regents, Cheney and Rummy, or incompetents like Brownie.

At our long-ago dinner, Limbaugh credited his success with being “one-dimensional.” “I’m totally concerned with me,” he said. And that was way before he got a contract for $400 million, so we can only imagine how one-dimensional he is now.

But on Sunday, he ripped the president for having “an out-of-this-world ego,” for being “very narcissistic,” “immature, inexperienced, in over his head.” (Isn’t immaturity scoring OxyContin from your maid?)

It gives new meaning to pot, kettle and black.


Note these words: "Limbaugh credited his success with being 'one-dimensional.' 'I’m totally concerned with me.'" Revealing. The one thing that I have learned from all the spiritual paths that I have studied is that those people who are unhappiest have three favorite words: Me, My and I. Overly self-concerned and not self-aware. Even with his millions and millions, does Rush look like a happy man? His actions speak for themselves and his suffering is obvious. Forgetting his politics and divisiveness for a minute, I actually have compassion for him. Narcissism is the opposite of love and unity.

11/3/09

We lost tonight in Maine but we will win

Right now, part of me is seething in anger at the conservatives, "Christian" church-goers, and older people who voted against marriage equality in Maine. Like a wronged teenage boy, this part of me wants to yell at them, scold them with the U.S. Constitution and Bible, and take away their marriages and rights to show them how we feel tonight. My heart tightens when I think about the thousands of Maine LGBT families that will be affected by this election, with some children going to bed tonight worried that they may be taken away from their parents (as happened in CA, with my gay friends' adopted kids, after Prop.8 passed). The thought of this makes me SO FRICKING MAD I can barely stand it...

...yet I will stand it and pause. Because a larger part of me is serene and resolute, like Nelson Mandela was when he imprisoned, and apartheid seemed permanent and impenetrable to most of the world. But like us, he knew his moment would come -- maybe in 2 years or 20 -- because he stood for justice, which is code for LOVE. It is that simple. And Love is ultimately stronger than fear, no matter how dark the clouds seem at the time. Above it all, Love is shining bright, clear and powerful...and more than willing to warm us, when we are ready. Our day will come, sooner than we can imagine on this long night. This I know.

11/2/09

Finding common ground in today's media circus


Fairly, Jon Stewart rips Fox News for being totally partisan, MSNBC for being mostly partisan and the Obama administration for being very naive. I love his style. I am concerned about the polarization of news channels because it makes for a more divisive country where people don't hear and understand the other viewpoint. In short, these highly partisan new channels create a circus-like atmosphere that's high on entertainment value but low on finding common ground on society's critical issues. This trend is not good for democracy. Click here for the video


(BTW, one of my friends asks what do my political interests, like this clip above, have to do with family and my desire to be a sperm donor/mentor? Fair question and here is my response:

From my family, I have inherited a passion for social justice, the overall well-being of society, and the importance of family. I was brought up with "Profiles in Courage" by John F. Kennedy on our family coffee table and was instilled with those ideals. Politics and public service were never just an abstract intellectual subject for my family as it is for some; instead, we've tended to jump into things in order to make this world a better place: my great-grandfather tried to unionize Spanish coal miners (was forced out of the country at gunpoint), my great-uncle was one of the first Hispanic lawmakers in the New Mexico Senate, my dad spoke out against segregation in the early 1960s and went on to serve on several school boards, and my mom recruited the first classes for Head Start by going door-to-door to reach the rural poor in Illinois. Most importantly, my ancestors brought this same level of passion and attention to their children, honoring and encouraging them.

I want Jason and any other kids I have/or mentor to grow up in a better world, where good health care and education are basic rights for all, not just privileges for the rich. I want a world where they can prosper as well as live in a socially responsible way. I want them to get angry and organize for change when they come across injustice or discrimination, like I have done for LGBT rights since 1981. This is part of my passion and who I am. For me, politics is personal, reveals our love or fear, and is about the welfare of all beings, especially the children.
)

11/1/09

Coming out: Why I want to be a known donor? What are my dreams for the next quarter century?


Close friends can push us to be better people, and mine are no exception. Yesterday, my friend Richard challenged me to blog about why I really want to be a known donor, especially at this stage of my life. What are the emotional reasons beneath this important decision and my considerable efforts to become one? I resisted his line of questioning at first, but then I realized I was holding back (emotionally) on the readers of this blog because I didn’t want to risk being misunderstood by prospective moms or be quite so vulnerable on the WWW. I realize now that I need push through these fears in order to be truly seen and understood…so here goes:

In six months I will turn 50, completing the 2nd quarter century of my life. I have accomplished much during this time, and more importantly, have become more self-aware, so I am able to show up more fully in my life, give with both hands and be less self-oriented. In short, I better understand who I am, my gifts and shadow side. These twenty-five years have been an “E” ticket, as they say in Disneyland speak, with plenty of highs and some bitter lows. And in looking at the upcoming 3rd quarter of my life, my intention is to realize some of the following heartfelt dreams:

o Deepen the meaningful work I do for a living, with people and organizations who are breaking new ground or doing good or both. Being of use in every way I can be. And in the process, making a good living to fund my daily life, travel, retirement, and things I truly care about. In this area, I want to finish strong, giving my best effort to work, because I love it.

o Marry and live with a man who I LOVE being with. It is easy between us, and we share so much joy and warmth. Someone who shows up consistently, embodies his spiritual practice, and is both kind and courageous. An imperfect man with an open (or opening) heart, an easy smile, and family values. Someone who is excited about partnering with me on my next intention…

o Create a larger extended "family", by fathering and mentoring children as well as connecting with their moms (and partners and families). The additions of these people to my already rich tapestry of relationships – my brother and parents, Jason (my mentoree), friends and business collegues -- would be a dream come true.

I must admit that I hesitate to say all this here because I don’t want my dreams to be parsed or critiqued...they are too personal. On a spiritual level, I know that I have everything I need right now. That I am perfect the way I am now, "with a little room for improvement", as Suzuki-Roshi used to say. Yet, these are the dreams that I am moving towards, step-by-step, while enjoying this present moment just as it is.

Most importantly, I simply enjoy being with kids, full stop. Kids seem to enjoy me, especially my delight in seeing them, my silly and "bart simpson" sides, and my consistency in showing up. All of this comes easy and natural for me. Kids keep me young, vital, and light-hearted, and they, in turn, tend to draw on my masculine energy, love, and deep joy for life. We cheer each other on, witnessing and encouraging one another – through good times and bad. I did this with Jason for fourteen years, and I got the desire, energy, and the balls to do it again. I want to share these kids and their love with my partner, biological family, friends and others, so everyone benefits! The more joy, the better.

I am so blessed to descend from two large, amazing Spanish-American families who have ingenuity, health, curiosity, concern for others, and love in great abundance. I am the heir to these qualities and values, and want to pass on these genes and traits to children, making the world a better place in my own small way. I want to enrich my life and those of others. I want to deepen my ability to love and be loved. These are the dreams and intentions that are straight from the heart of this joe in san francisco.

P.S. It is hard communicate into words everything that I feel so deeply about, but this entry is a start. Maybe a movie that fills in the some of the gaps is "Best of Youth,". To me, this Italian movie is like a long Buddhist story, with many powerful lessons, moments of grace, and compelling characters. And as the main character of the movie says, despite all the suffering, "life is beautiful."